Why I don’t trust him?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and me are living together for almost 3 years and we have a common child together. I have trust issues and jealousy issues that needs support if he was just sharing of all the things he has done in the past that made me hard to forgive and forget and maybe one of the reason why it is hard for me to trust him.

His ex-wife contacted him and they exchanged few emails and he never told me about until I found out about it. Gambled all our savings money (even though we are not married, we have a common child together and living in the same household) not even once but twice for a little over $25,000. Which came back to be a huge tax debt in our recent income tax return, state and federal, we owe a total of $5,000.

And recently been talking and texting to a co worker at work without telling me until I found out about it through our phone bills. And the lady confirmed to me that she is just a friend and that she is happily married and a mother of 5. How will I know if he never shares any of this to me?

Trust takes time to build and very fragile. I hope I’m not insane and crazy like what he was saying, because I want to know everything, am I crazy?

A: You are not crazy. Your boyfriend is simply not owning up to his behavior. The lying, secrecy, and compulsive gambling problem are actually rather telltale signs. Let me be blunt. If he is willing to gamble your savings and stick you with a tax burden, be emotionally engaged with a woman via texting, and not tell you about contacting his ex, then what is next? The lying, cheating and stealing are small now, but consistent. Him telling you it is your problem and you are crazy is standard fare. He doesn’t want to change, so blaming you is the solution.

Hold your ground. Ask him to go to couples counseling with you. I hope he does, but if not, please find a therapist to start working with so you can start thinking about your options. These kinds of things tend to get worse without couples therapy. The find help key at the top of the page will help. To answer your original question: You can’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Jun 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Why I don’t trust him?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/06/29/why-i-dont-trust-him/