My husband won’t quit lying

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband lied to me the first year of our relationship. After a year, I found out he was an ex-con for theft, and was cheating. We moved on past it with communication. The next year he was lying and stealing again. He ended up in prison for a year. We spent the year trying to work through everything because we then had a son. We have since got married, and he has been a stay at home dad. He has been great the past few years. He has become my best friend.

About a month ago, he lost his front tooth. He went to a dentist he said was going to do the work and let him write a post-dated check. The dentist kept calling and calling. I finally asked my husband if he was lying about the situation, and just wrote him a check. I told him I understand why he would, but we need to handle it if he did. He looked me in the eye, and told me no that he was telling the truth and the guy was crazy. He was picked up this week for back child support, so he is in jail. I picked up his phone with the dentist called. He told me that my husband told him that he was helping with tornado victims in Joplin when he lost his tooth (not true), and he was about to start a job (also not true), and that he would pay $400 the temporary if he could do it that day, and ordered a $4000 permanent! I was embarrassed. The dentist said he was going to turn the felony check over. I told him I would pay it, because it is on a joint account. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like an idiot. It isn’t the simple lie. It’s that he could go back to jail for it. That he lied to me. That it makes me wonder what else he is lying about. I don’t know what to do with him. He is a great father, and the kids love him. When he is around.

A: I am sorry to hear of your pain. It sounds very disappointing.

Stop listening to your husband and look at the facts. He has betrayed you directly at least three times in major ways, and each time swearing he has not. His rehabilitation will take years, and there isn’t even the slightest indication that he is willing or able to begin that journey. He has also lied and reneged his responsibility on his other woman and child(ren). You sound like you are simply next in line. His promises have been false and he uses others’ compassion as a tool for manipulation.

Learn your lesson sooner rather than later. Find a therapist for yourself and get yourself free. It will take time, but there isn’t much to work with in this relationship. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Jun 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). My husband won’t quit lying. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/06/21/my-husband-wont-quit-lying/