Heartbroken by his lies

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Turns out my boyfriend of 2 years has pretty much lied about his whole identity. . .letters get sent to his house with a different surname to the one i knew him to have, i saw his drivers licence which displays a different year of birth to the one he told me was his, after a year and a half i had only met 2 family members of his and no friends, i found a separate facebook account of his to one i’m friends with (which includes his real full name) – but he doesn’t know i know about this! I found out he has a brother that he’s never mentioned! . . .For someone who claims to love me so much and claims he wants to be with me forever and having been so open with him and all he does is lie! . . .But i can’t get over it! I can’t stop wondering about if he would ever come clean, what more would i find? I love him with all my heart, before i started finding things out it was the perfect relationship, hundreds of times better then any relationship i’d had previously! But know the man i thought i loved, it’s all just been a lie, i’ve been loving a fake, how can i ever trust anyone if the person i trusted the most turned out to be a complete fraud???

A: What a difficult spot to be in! The lies are too many and too elaborate to ignore, so I think you’ll want to gather all you have and make an appointment with a couples counselor. (The “find help” tab at the top will guide you to someone in your area.)

I am going to recommend that you NOT discuss this with your boyfriend. I know the standard wisdom would be for the two of you to have an open and honest discussion. But your boyfriend has the capacity to lie and create false identities, all while professing his love. I’d want you be in front of a professional so he or she can be witness to his answers and your responses.

Make the appointment and explain to the counselor that you hope to be bringing your boyfriend, but that in any case you plan on coming in. Set the appointment for a time when he is free. I would not give him much lead time on this — no more than 24 hours. Explain to him you have a concern about the relationship that you wan’t a professional opinion on, and that you prefer he come with you, but you have made the appointment and are going. Tell him only that you do not feel comfortable talking about it alone with him.

Then go to the counselor, either with him or without, and explain your situation. The counselor will guide you from there. DON’T try to talk to him without a third party there. He has hidden much from you and proven to be a good manipulator. Stack the deck in your favor.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jun 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Heartbroken by his lies. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 19, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/06/19/heartbroken-by-his-lies-2/