Boyfriend has been using sex dating website

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please. I found out very recently that my boyfriend of a year has been texting several girls pictures of his erect penis and asking if they like/want it etc. I also discovered he has been using a sex dating website leaving similar messages on girls’ pages and had been chatting to them online and swapping nude pics etc. We had a huge row about it and he said it meant nothing, was just a game for him and that he never met or intended to meet any of them, once they said they wanted to meet him he would get bored and move onto the next girl. Not long after I got together with him he used to send me these types of texts and it seemed to me as if he needed lots of reassurance. I believe that he has never met any of them and he begged for me to give him one more chance which I have agreed to on the condition that he changed his sim in his phone and removed himself from the website which he has done. He also swore on his family’s lives that he would never do it again. I am so concerned that he will always need to do this with someone and that he can’t stop. Before he met me he hadn’t had a regular girlfriend for several years and although sex can be good with him he rarely wants to try as he says he is often too soft (which he has been upset about) or he gets too sore when doing it because it’s usually been a while. I really love this guy but don’t understand why he’s done what he’s done and if I can ever trust him again or whether I should give him this chance. He knows how much he has hurt me and seems genuinely sorry and ashamed but I am stuck and don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice please? Thanks

A: Your boyfriend’s sexual compulsion seems to operate like an addiction and he would do well to see a therapist. Perhaps the best way is to make an appointment with a couples counselor to discuss the issue. The couples counselor can make the recommendations for change after meeting you together. You have done the right thing by giving him another chance, but talking about it in couples therapy would be a good start. But ultimately some therapy for your boyfriend to understand how his compulsion operates would be important.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Jun 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Boyfriend has been using sex dating website. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 30, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/06/06/boyfriend-has-been-using-sex-dating-website/