Does this relationship have a chance?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Ireland: I met this girl at an open party I was having in my house and fancied her immediately, this was about 8 months ago and I saw her in university a lot since then too. But, around February this year, she came to another party with me and stayed over. We started dating very soon after. However, she is unable to be affectionate with me. She cant stand to be touched by me except kissing, unless she is drunk, then she’s all over me. She revealed to me that she’s got depression and is on medication for it a couple of weeks into the relationship.

But all this I could deal with. She goes back home for a week and doesn’t contact me as regularly as she previously did, and I got pretty worried. Sure enough she comes back and wants to end the relationship because she’s dealing with issues (without medication or a therapist) that include Schizophrenia, Bi-polar disorder, hearing voices, OCD etc. So I step away physically but I want to rekindle so I stay in emotionally, act as a friend and, ironically as Im now sharing this with the internet, a confidant.

A few days ago I have another conversation with her about why we broke up as she seemed to be dealing with her issues far better now. She says she didn’t want to be confined and wanted to keep her options open. I haven’t the foggiest idea what this means. Obviously she still cares for me (she was in tears when we broke up and I’m her second best friend) but I want to get back together with her, I love this girl a lot. I know I can’t coerce her but is there a chance she’ll want to get back with me, post-all this crap she’s dealing with?

Thanks in advance

A: Sure. There’s always a chance. But I wouldn’t bet on it. It sounds to me like she is telling you as kindly as she can that she loves you as a friend but isn’t interested in taking the relationship to another level – at least for now. She’s dealing with a lot. She knows that as long as she is working on herself, she isn’t in the best shape to start a serious relationship. I applaud her for that. I hope she is also wise enough to take care of herself and get into treatment.

I also applaud you – for seeing through the problems to the person underneath. I suggest you go about expanding your social circle and see other women for now. If this relationship has promise, you’ll find each other again when she is more ready to be close to someone.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Jun 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). Does this relationship have a chance?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/06/01/does-this-relationship-have-a-chance/