She may create the break-up she fears

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m currently have problems in my relationship because of my jealousy and trusting issue with my boyfriend. we been together for a 1 and 1/2 now. Ever since my past relationship I had a hard time trusting men and it has been drilled in my head that all men cheat. I’m so afraid of getting hurt that I always think that my boyfriend is going to cheat on me. then i start getting jealous of female friends that he accepts on his facebook page. When he goes out with friends sometimes I think that might go out with a female instead. So i tend to check his phone bill account to see if he talk to any girl and I found that he doesn’t but I still don’t trust him because I tell myself mabybe he just texting this girls instead of callig them and when I think of this so much anger arouses withim me that I start yelling and screaming at him. I also have a low self esteem i feel like i’m not pretty enough for him I’ve that problem all my life although he tells me that i’m a beautiful girl i think he just telling me that for me to feel better. He also constantly tells me loves me but I don’t believe him and I call him a liar. This whole jealousy and trust has caused alot of agruments and I feel like i’m going to lose him if i don’t stop. How can i stop this and save my relationship?

A: You’re absolutely right to be worried. If this keeps up, you are going to create the very thing you fear. No one can tolerate this level of jealousy, suspicion and distrust and stay in a relationship for long. It’s unfair to judge your current boyfriend by your experience with someone else who hurt you. It’s disrespectful for you to be checking his phone bills and facebook. It’s sad that you reject his expressions of love.

As you already know: This isn’t about your boyfriend. It’s about you. If you want any hope of saving this relationship, you need to do something immediately to address your negative self-esteem, your insecurities, and your anger issues. You already know this. If you could do it on your own, you would have done so already. Therefore, I strongly urge you to get yourself into therapy right away. Take your suspicions and fears to your therapist, not your boyfriend. It may not be too late to salvage this relationship. But even if you two break up over this, you still will want to do your therapy so the next relationship will have a chance.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 May 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). She may create the break-up she fears. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 29, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/05/28/she-may-create-the-break-up-she-fears/

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