I love my boyfriend, but I don’t want to have sex with him

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and I love him dearly, but for some time now I have had no interest in sex at all, particularly with him. I’ve always considered myself to be a very sexual person, in relationships or out of them, and in the beginning of our relationship things were very hot and heavy. Over a period of perhaps a month or two, a few months before we moved in together, I lost most sexual urges and developed what amounts to revulsion for my boyfriend physically. I have no idea why, he’s a very attractive man, I love him, and I want to want to have sex, but I can’t seem to. I can think of nothing, medications or dramatic lifestyle changes that could have caused this, but it is putting a strain on our relationship and causing my to reassess my self-image a little negatively. Why could this be happening?

A; Thanks for sending in this question. It would be too difficult to know for sure, but I can tell you what I would do if a client came in and had this concern.

I would start to look for a repressed or suppressed anger toward her partner, particularly around anything sexual: a jealousy, a fight about having children, an attraction, anything that would be unresolved has that kind of potential.

This is a very tentative thought, but in any case I would think this is an opportunity for some individual work in therapy. Don’t wait on this. Try to find out what is keeping you from feeling the connection. The find help tab at the top of the page will be able to help you locate someone in your country.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 May 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). I love my boyfriend, but I don’t want to have sex with him. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/05/25/i-love-my-boyfriend-but-i-dont-want-to-have-sex-with-him/

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