My boyfriend cheated on me

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I just found out that my boyfriend, who I thought I had a serious relationship with, for almost 11 months cheated on me a 1 month ago with a friend of mine from work who was also in a relationship and I knew her boyfriend. We all work together and she texted me 6 days ago what happened. Since we work together, my boyfriend and I have spent almost every day together. When we first started dating, I was applying for PA school all over the country and he knew of the possibility of me moving to another state but we continued. I was accepted to PA school in NY a few months ago and we were going back in forth about him moving with me eventually to NY. I went to NY for 4 days, 1 month ago to visit some friends and on the last night before I returned, he went out with my friend, slept with her, she left his apartment in the morning then he came to pick me up at the airport 2 hours later saying I missed you and love you!

Within the last month, I mentioned to him that I felt weird about my friend when she texted him about what we were doing instead of me…and he got upset with me for bringing it up even though they already slept together. Then 2 days after it happened, I had no idea; I invited her and her boyfriend to come to dinner. And we all went together and they acted totally normal even though they slept together 2 days before.

What confounds me the most is that over the past month, he has kept saying he loves me, he wants to make it work, he would never hurt me or cheat on me and he also told me about 2 weeks ago that he wanted to start searching for jobs in NY and eventually move up there with me. I thought he has been acting pretty normal which is why I had no idea.

The girl, my friend, texted him to tell me and she told me he really didn’t look like he wanted to let me know so she went ahead and did it. When he found out I knew he apologized in a text message, the next day we spoke, he apologized again, and I gave him back his promise ring and said I need some time and couldn’t forgive him now. He said he would fight to get my trust back.

Since then he has only texted me a couple of times one saying “he went to speak to his pastor for 3 hours and will go weekly. He set new goals and priorities in his life regaining my trust being his number 1 even if it takes the rest of his life.” But that is it, only text messages and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone that said he loved so much is not putting forth much effort to get me back or show remorse.

The hard part is I have to work with him the next 1.5 months before NY and I cry and feel so hurt when I see him. I’m not sure how to go about it or what I should do in general if he does start fighting to get me back. I guess if he keeps just texting then its obvious he’s not that into me.

Thank you for your help!

A: You do not have to wait to understand that he just isn’t into you. Here are the facts as you’ve related them to me:

  • He cheated on you, and wasn’t going to tell you about it.
  • He showed no signs of remorse or concern when he picked you up at the airport.
  • He put the emphasis on you to forget about it — rather than on him having to change.
  • He has told he doesn’t want to fight to gain back your trust.
  • His words don’t match his actions. He says regaining your trust is the number one priority in his life — then promptly does nothing about it.

You need someone more dedicated to you than he is. 6 weeks isn’t that long in the scheme of things. My advice is do everything you can to wrap up this phase of your life, and use the move to transition into a life with better friends, and a better boyfriend.

You may want to get a list of the books that are going to be required in your first classes in PA school and begin reading. Typically the course load is full the first semester. Why not get started on something that you know have direct value in your life. Shift your attention to your needs and goals, and begin detaching from him emotionally. There isn’t much he has to offer at this point other than his empty words without action.

When you get to the new school you can take advantage of their counseling center if you need to.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 May 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). My boyfriend cheated on me. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/05/03/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me/