My mom is cheating on my dad…it hurts so bad

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

so its been about a year that ive known bout the fact that my mom is cheating on my dad. their relationship is AWFUL. they tried to get divorced when i was 5 but they didnt becuz my little brother came along.well according to what my aunt said they knew eachother for only 2 months or so b4 they got married! the story started when i heard my mom sweet talking on the phone, i first panicked & when i asked her who it was she said juss A FRIEND but i knew she was lying ..well i paid no attention to that eventhough she used to cry in the car & u know the stuff u do in the tough times of a relationship!but after a few months i heard them talking about buying a house , being together & other stuff … i just BLEW UP! i couldnt believe that was my mom saying those things . well she broke up with that guy & found a new guy ! so things kept on getting worse for me ! cuz i was the only one who knew this & had to keep it as a secret. then i started reading her text massages ( it was more like a sexmassage) chats( i read things that just killed me inside, things like getting divorced , or how much he luvs her )…ahh & i even caught her using the webcam in MY ROOM for like 3 or 4 times. i just CANNOT stop thinking about it ..iam so depressed ..sometimes i feel like i cant take this situation anymore so thinking about killing myself but i know thats just stupid so i keep on crying & keeping things inside myself … there are a lot more details on whats going on with them ..i just wanna know what should i do ? i mean i know this is gonna end up to a divorce …& idont want that! i used to be so happy & stuff but know im like so quiet and dont really like having fun, i kinda went Emo…the only thing that relaxes me is listening to heavy metal , Emo, alternative songs , even my friends have noticed that but i dont really like talking about my problems with the others well only one of my friends know bout this but all she does is listening but i need to know what im supposed to do!
thanx-

A: I’m so, so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult position. The first thing you do is stop doing a whole lot of what you’re doing. Your mother’s text messages and chats are her business, not yours. You already know enough. Reading more of them only makes you feel worse.

I don’t know if your mother asked you to keep this secret or if you’ve taken that burden on yourself. Either way, it’s much too heavy a load for a 15-year-old — even for a smart, sensitive teen like yourself. A heart-to-heart talk with your mom is way overdue. Tell your mother that you know what she is up to and that it is hurting you terribly. Let her know that you feel like you are caught in the middle between two parents you love and that it is just too much for you to handle anymore. Ask her to be honest with your dad and to either work things out or not but not to keep you and your brother in such an emotionally difficult situation.

If your mother asks you to keep the secret, it’s really unfair. Tell her that it hurts you to be asked to betray your dad the way she is. Make no promises. If this gets to be just too, too hard, think about whether there is a relative or another trusted adult you can bring into your confidence who can give you support and advice.

If your parents do divorce, it’s very, very important that you understand that it’s not your fault for getting this out in the open. Clearly your folks have had problems for years. Those problems have nothing to do with you and your brother. You can still have two parents who love you even if they don’t love each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Apr 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). My mom is cheating on my dad…it hurts so bad. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 2, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/04/29/my-mom-is-cheating-on-my-dad-it-hurts-so-bad/