Is my Girlfriend with me for security or…

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Me and my girlfriend have been together for around 19 months now but in January we had a rough patch and took a break, the reason for that break was she got Postnatal depression 6 months after our daughter was born and she became very confused about her self and started going out with friends a lot and drinking too which I had no issue with as she had done an amazing job being a mother and she deserved the time to let her hair down, within the times she went out she met a lad that worked at the local bowling alley and they hooked up a few times after and admitted to “Kissing” him whilst we we’re together. During the break we had she admitted that she had slept with the lad on one occasion My reaction wasn’t explosive because we agreed to have a break and that’s her decision to sleep with him yes it hurt me a lot but I couldn’t “Go Crazy” after 2 months apart my girlfriend tells me she wants to get thing back on track, I was so thrilled that she decided this but now after a month of so she has started to go very quiet with me and less talkative, and the issue my Girlfriend has is when she has things on her mind she speaks about them in her sleep, and a few nights ago she was speaking as if she was talking to someone and her word was “I think I have fucked up getting back with Jamie (my name BTW), as I can only think about someone else. I have confronted her but she denies that she likes someone else and that she loves me, this is now making me confused, now earlier this morning (21/04/2011) she spoke in her sleep saying she was thinking a lot about this person and it is really concerning me, my main question is does she want me because she grew up without her father and she wants me there for ours or what.

A: What a difficult place to be in. I think one way of understanding this is that you are both confused about the level of commitment needed to sustain the relationship. It also seems that the two of you may not be able to deal effectively with communicating these truths. If a child were not involved you would be able to deal with this by simply moving on, but the truth is the two of you will have to communicate over your child whether you are together or not.

I would strongly suggest a couples counselor because there are a great many unresolved feelings that need to be identified and dealt with. This will help you not only if you decide to stay together, but also if you decide to separate and continue making decisions for your child.

If she is unwilling to enter couples therapy I would suggest you begin individual therapy to sort through the issues evoked by all of this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Apr 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Is my Girlfriend with me for security or…. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/04/27/is-my-girlfriend-with-me-for-security-or/

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