I think he’s lost interest

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met this guy 8 months back. We have been in the process of “just” talking and getting to know each other for 8 months now. He still hasn’t asked me out to be his official girlfriend and when I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship or not he just said “I really want to but i’m just not feeling it”…so i say “maybe you’re just not interested in me”…and he says “no that’s not it”…so I say “are you leaning more towards no or yes”…and he said “I don’t know i’m in the middle”…

I am confused and hurt because I feel like he lost interest in me because for the past 3 months we haven’t been intimate but we were when we first met. But I am confused because he won’t say it straight up to me if he just wants to be friends or not. He also still takes me out on dates and takes me to go hangout with his guy friends. what should I do?…I really want to be in a relationship with him…

Also lately hes been having dreams of sleeping with girls or being in a room with a bunch of girls…and it bothers me because I feel like hes craving for it but not with me…also for the past 3 months I have been only giving him oral…he doesnt touch me, kiss me, or hold my hand. I want to talk about it to him but I don’t want to seem to be nagging him. We talk still…and we use to flirt a lot but I just feel like now he’s backing away but yet he’s still nice to me so I don’t really know how to interpret that…is he using me or is he not?….also my friends tell me that they see him out partying and they see him talk to other girls like he’s single and he’s not talking to anyone…so when i do tell them that we are still talking they get really surprised because of the way he acts…

I just don’t want to seem like im overreacting for no reason…because he is a nice guy and he doesn’t like to be mean to girls so he just kind of does whatever they want in a kind way…but i am confused…I really want to talk to him about it if he just wants to be friends now or whats up…but i don’t know how to do it so it doesnt seem like im nagging him…please help :)

A: I’m sorry to say that I agree with you. He’s lost interest. You’re also probably right that in an attempt to be “nice” and to not hurt you, he is hurting you. I don’t think he is necessarily using you. He just doesn’t seem to know how to say a clear “no” to you. He drops hints by telling you his dreams and by making sure your friends see him flirting with others. He drops a mega-hint by not giving back during sex. He probably hopes you will break up with him so he doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” and break up with you.

Do both of you a favor: Take a big, big step back from this relationship. Face it that he isn’t returning your feelings. It will hurt for awhile but staying in a relationship of unrequited love will hurt more. Get back into being single so that you can meet someone who is going to love you and cherish you as you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Apr 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). I think he’s lost interest. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 20, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/04/23/i-think-hes-lost-interest/