Money, lies, dishonesty

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

On May 4 I got engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years. That afternoon I took a loan out to purchase him a truck. A week later we tried to get a mortgage on a home and found out that he has something in collection. So I suggested taking line of credit out in my name to bye off the collection. So next here we could then purchase a home and get married. Aug 2 he left for a 10-week course. In the 10 weeks he would only call once a week and he allowed the truck to bounce twice (I first figure the way his pay was going in and the way the payments were going out there wasn’t enough money (2 pays 3 payment in aug.) I didn’t get mad I went up and deposited $1000 to cover it. Once there I found out that he didn’t transfer anymore. I fly down to watch him graduate and see my friends (I was from there) and drive back with him. The trip sucked he wasn’t interested in me based on his saying, attitude and he stated drinking. I tried to talk to him and I was given the cold shoulder. Home (we don’t live together yet) My gut was telling me something was wrong so I decided knowing his password went on because I was concern about his drinking (recovering addict) if I could find something that would help me. Instead I found an email to the girl on course. I asked him about her and said I know because I read the email. He got mad at me saying he can’t trust me and walked out the door. I want to talk find out if it do to drinking, was it an emotional or physical affair. He tells me they were set up emails, and I am a fool and break off our engagement. I told him if we are not emotional together then we will not be financially together and I made him get his parents to co-sign a loan to buy the truck from me. He says he will continue making the line of credit payments. I want to believe him but I have a feeling I will have to take him to small claims court for this.

My problem is I know I step over the line of privacy by reading his emails but I wanted to help figure out what went wrong and deal with this. (We were engaged) I never expected an affair.

I still love him and want to get back with him but we have never talked nicely since the dealing with the truck. He pissed that I forced him to get someone else to cosign a loan. (I just couldn’t have that debt over my head)
I hoping now if I do the NO CONTACT he might realize I did everything out of love for us. Or in time I will be able to move on we never fought and I told him in relationship you need to argue fight to understand each other. He has never been in a committed relationship. I was the first. So is he running or scared because I stood up to him. All his other girlfriends who use walk away taking a lost if they had lent him money (this what I have been told)

My questions, do you think in time he will realize what I have done for him and come around and talk to me?

A: I am sorry to be so blunt, but the truth is what is needed.

Your boyfriend has a genuine disease. He is an addict and he is not in recovery. This means that he will use people, lie, and blame others rather than take responsibility for himself and his hurtful behavior.

Yes, reading his emails in the way you did was wrong, but he is using that as the excuse to make you feel guilty rather thane deal with his lying, cheating, and stealing.

Don’t waste more of your precious energy on him. He would need to be dedicated to a recovery process and immersed in that recovery for a good long while before he would be worthy of being trusted again.

Move on. Learn these lessons and be grateful you learned all this before you made the mistake of marrying someone devoted to using you and not taking responsibility for himself.

As you end this relationship I would strongly suggest individual therapy. The find help tab at the top will help you locate someone inn your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 5 Apr 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Money, lies, dishonesty. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 2, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/04/05/money-lies-dishonesty/

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