I don’t know what to think or how to feel

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I really need some advice…I am in love with and involved with a married woman…she initiated the relationship…are first date was supposed to be harmless then one thing led to another and we slept together…we both have very strong feelings for each other and as time goes on we become very close friends and share everything with each other and her 3 kids adore me and I them…she says that she is no longer in love with her marriage but still has feeling for her husband in spite of all his wrong doings…she also tells me that i am amazing and super sweet and do a lot of things so much better then him..like being there for her and her kids and giving her emotional support and being a great listener…

so i asked if thats the case why am I on the outside looking in? she said cause its very hard to start over after 10 years and even though she believes every word i say and promise i make it will take time because not only does she have a hard time trusting men but she keeps focusing on the fact that i am 25 and she 37…

recently i had a death in my family that had a big impact on me and due to that and all my other stress i had to go to the er for high blood pressure…i takes meds for it and have a family history of it…she thought it was her fault and was gonna leave me thinking it was to much on me and she also feels guilty in spite of her husbands actions for cheating on him…we talked it out and she decided to stay…

however since then she doesnt call me her young love anymore or other terms of affection like she did in the beginning. When i ask her why she simply says she is tired or just not in the mood…i dont get that but ok..she calls and txt me everyday except on weekends cause thats when the husband is off and when i dont hear from her i worry and over analyze everything :( and because of our work schedules and her kids and trying to get away from the husband we are spending less and less time together over the last couple weeks…i dont know if this means im losing her or what..

and just to be clear not only am i very much in love with her i want to spend the rest of my life with her and grow old with her and in doing so i will have to sacrifice my chance to have children of my own and possibly make my family mad…but i dont care aside from the poems i send her its like the 2 songs we listen to together go everything i do i do it for you by bryan adams and amazed by lonestar…she is my world my everything..what i need to find out is am i losing her and if not what can i do to show her that i want to be with her and will always be here and how do i cope or get through the waiting process without driving myself crazy all the time wondering what does this mean and what does that mean and why havent i heard from her today and why wont she say how she feels ?

A: I’m so sorry for your pain. There must be something very sweet about this woman for you to be so head over heels in love with her. But I have to tell you this: You aren’t losing her. You can’t lose what you never had. She’s married. She’s not being honest with her husband and she’s not being honest with you. She’s trying to have it both ways: A husband who supports her and their family and a young, romantic lover. She’s beginning to come to her senses but you’re not letting her leave easily. She seems to understand that what for her was a fun affair is much more serious for you. Her efforts to leave gracefully due to your illness are being thwarted by your unwillingness to let her go. However much in love you may be, it’s unwise to let your heart rule your head. She’s nowhere near as invested in a future together as you are. And remember this: A woman who will cheat with you will probably end up doing it to you.

Grieve this relationship, learn from it, and make yourself available to women your own age who are looking for someone just like you. There are women out there who would give anything to find a guy who is loving, loyal, and willing to commit himself utterly to the person he loves. Give yourself the chance to find someone who is going to love you back in the same way.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). I don’t know what to think or how to feel. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 20, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/28/i-dont-know-what-to-think-or-how-to-feel/