Need Help Dealing With My Ex

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Although im sure I know the answer to this, I need to get it out..I am 44, she is 43..After 3 years of dating my girlfriend ,she tells me she has herpes only because she had a breakout…she has told me the following over the years..that she was raped in college ( the story sounds ridiculous), in her early 20′s apparently ate a bunch of pills and claims the people at the psych ward tried to trick her into signing commitment papers, ended up in Florida in a BDSM relationship…came back to NY where she held 2 or 3 jobs, sleeping with someone from the office…married then divorced ( she claims her ex husband stole all of her money)…was dating another guy who apparently beat her…..at her current job, she slept wih a guy 14 years younger than her, got pregnant and the “donor’ went back to his country, not supporting the child etc….I met her at her current job and have been on and off with her for the past 3 years ( I know im an idiot)…..since she told me about her having herpes, I have been to the doc 2 times, 2 blood tests…im negative….but now all of a sudden she claims I am abusive and threatening her, I was mad as hell, and if she were a man I probably would have knocked her on her ass,but never a threat…..im sure she has a disorder of some sort….she lies constantly, tells the same story 3 times during a week, but its always changing….I am now afraid of this woman because last week, while trying to calm her, I took the blame for everything…admitted I was wrong etc, and have cut her off…..im sure she has another man in the picture, coaching her along on how to set me up( I hope so, let him deal with her)….She may be lying about the Herpes, cause she doesnt know much about it when I ask her…it turns out her brother is a doctor in Baltimore and I get hte feeling he ‘monitors her’,her mom lives in the same building a few floors up from her. when out locally, she is always looking around, like she is afraid someone may recognise her..very bizarre….she seems to me to be a professional victim…1 night in bed, we were staring into each others eyes, and I swear they CHANGED into pure evil for a second, then she smacked me……..nothing is her fault, things get twisted to the extent im apoligising to HER about her exposing me to herpes……I am trying to protect myself because I am afraid of her setting me up…How can I deal with a person like this…I have cut off all contact as of a few days ago, and she knows about my herpes test today.

A. If I understand your question correctly, you want to know about how to end the relationship with your ex. As you said, you probably already know the answer to this question. One possible tactical error in the relationship was taking the blame for incidents that were not your fault. The potential drawback that such a move may have had was to reinforce the very behavior that you found to be problematic. Your taking the blame could have given her the impression that she can engage in unacceptable behavior without penalty. It may also have led her to believe that she maintains some level of control over you and the relationship.

I only have your version of events. To give you the best possible advice, I would need both sides of the story. Given the information that I was provided and your stated desire to end the relationship, the best course of action would be to stop all contact with her. All contact is the operative phrase. Any contact, even a short e-mail or a text message, etc. could send the message that you still want her in your life.

If you’re having difficulty knowing how to proceed, you may want to consult a therapist. Ending this relationship may not be a straightforward process. A therapist could provide the necessary relationship guidance that you may need in this situation. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 26 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2011). Need Help Dealing With My Ex. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/26/need-help-dealing-with-my-ex/