In an Abusive Relationship and I Need Help

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

For the past year, I have been in an abusive relationship.

I have been with another male in a gay relationship. I have been tore down both mentally and physically. I need to get out but don’t know where to turn.

My partner has controlled me, used me, has beaten on me, and has just completely torn me down. If he asks me for money, I have to say yes no matter what otherwise I will get beaten on. If he doesn’t get his way, he turns extremely violent.

I just can’t take it anymore.

My problem with escaping is…
1) He has destroyed the house. We’re renting. The landlord has been more than nice to us and has done so much for us. It’s hard for me to leave the property in a mess as it is now.

2) I have no family. They are either deceased or are not accepting of my homosexual lifestyle.

3) By being in this relationship I’ve been unable to get friends. I have no friends.

4) I have 3 dogs. They’ve had a horrible life. They came from abusive homes themselves. I can’t lose them.

I have some money put aside. It’s not much.

I’m afraid that if I move out of here, he’ll destroy the house even more and with us both being on a lease, that will really harm me. At least he has family to go back to. I have nobody if I get an eviction on my record. I would be on the streets.

Unfortunately, I have my own business in the home. My business is my income. I can’t just leave it behind.

My partner doesn’t work; he’s lived off me for a year. Anywhere he wants to go I MUST go with him. I can never get away from him.

I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times from him beating on me and harming me.

I have tried going to the police. That was unsuccessful. When they came out the several times, he lied to them when they would take us apart to ask us what was going on. The last time I called them, they made me leave for the night. Being, I’m without a car and nowhere to go and had no money at the time I went for a walk and waited for the police to leave then came back home.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m trapped. I’m bound down. I’m so tore up. I need help and don’t know what to do or where to turn.

I’ve wanted to tell the landlord of the situation but I’ve been afraid it would turn on me and I would end up out on the streets myself.

Help me. Please guide me with suggestions. I’m so scared. I am afraid that if I continue to live with him I will end up either suicidal or he will do more harm to me. I need out but can’t get out.

Thank you.

A: I admire your courage in bringing this issue forward. It sounds horrible. This abusive relationship has put you in a powerless role. Let’s see if we can change that.

I think we need an immediate AND long-term strategy so that the process does not overwhelm you.

Let me discuss the more immediate future. The next time there is anything abusively physical between the two of you go to the hospital for treatment and file the police report from there so there is corroborating medical information. Explain that you are afraid to go back and your reasons. Most hospitals have a social work department that can help you coordinate the protective changes. In many areas this can include housing.

I would immediately encourage you to begin creating a support system to help with the changes you want to make. Here is a connection to an online community for Codependents Anonymous
and to find ones in your area. Of course the PsychCentral forums are available 24/7/365 for your support as well.

Codependency happens whenever our lives are in orbit around someone else. I strongly suggest these meetings both online and in person because the more support you have the easier it will be.

Secondly, you will need some legal help. Here is a site with free legal landlord / tenant information by state. You may also need some legal advice in other areas and this free site will help.

Finally, I would make arrangements to begin therapy. If you don’t have enough for a private counselor look into the clinics in your area that have sliding scale fees. Most community hospitals have an outpatient program with s sliding scale.

To make and keep these changes you will want the support in place.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). In an Abusive Relationship and I Need Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/25/in-an-abusive-relationship-and-i-need-help/