…and spanked for punishment. Why do I have this innate need to be dominated by my husband? I recently asked him to spank me as punishment when I disrespect him by fighting with him or raising my voice to him and there are a few other rules we set when I asked him for this. My parents did not have a relationship like this it is just something I have felt and needed within myself since I married my husband. After he spanks me there is no sex – it is strictly a discipline session and then we just move on. So i don’t believe i would call it a fetish so to speak.
A. You don’t mention any sexual component to the spankings. You do say that there is no sex following the spankings. This does not mean that there is no sexual component. Do you have sexual fantasies about spanking or your husband’s domination? Do you need to feel his strength and power as part of your sexual relations? These are all things that I would like to know and would need to know if we were conducting a counseling session.
There could of course be deeper psychological reasons for why you ask to be punished regularly by your husband. It would take conventional counseling sessions to uncover this information. I would encourage you to write again with more details. There are many reasons why you may be seeking your husband’s domination that are of a nonsexual nature and I will list a few below. Please recognize that what I write below is not meant to be an explanation of what you are feeling but instead just an example of why someone would crave domination in a nonsexual way.
With an obsessive-compulsive disorder one feels the need to seek order in a anxiety-producing situation. Perhaps when you are fighting with your husband or arguing you feel anxiety and fear. To bring order to the situation, to end the indecisiveness, you simply ask for his domination which puts him back into control. When he has control you do not. In essence it’s like asking him to drive the car when you become nervous in traffic. The spanking is a conclusive end to an indecisive situation.
There are also possible psychoanalytic causes or explanations. If one was spanked as a child, as an adult that person could find relief by receiving a spanking. Before the child is disciplined there is usually a state of anxiety between the parent and the child. The child may feel unloved or frightened of losing the parents’ love during this period of anxiety. This period of anxiety is ended and thus brings relief after the administration of the spanking. The child may come to see the spanking as a desirable end of the anxiety.
There are many, many reasons why you could feel the way you do. It is something that you should discuss with a therapist. It is normal to have problems in a relationship. The most important thing, far more important than the problems themselves, is how those problems are resolved. The correct resolution is never for one person to simply submit to the domination of another. A marriage is an equal partnership and both partners should have equal power. In this sense it is not healthy to end disagreements or periods of anxiety with your husband by your submitting to his domination. Please feel free to write back with more information. Please also consider counseling. I wish you the very best of luck.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Mar 2011
Randle, K. (2011). Why Do I Need To Be Dominated By My Husband?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 30, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/23/why-do-i-need-to-be-dominated-by-my-husband/