Ongoing Relationship Problems

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have so many problems, where to start?? Okay so I will try to explain my situation as best as I could. I have never dated a man who didn’t lie or cheat or do something else bad to me. So I stopped dating for about 2 years. I met this guy and I am totally in love with him. He’s been hurt too just like me so from the start he wanted to take things slow. Okay cool. But I guess I’ve been hurt so badly,I’m taking everything out on him,which I know is not fair. He’s broken up with me on numerous ocassions because he can’t handle my always acussing him of things I have. No proof of him doing. I always beg and beg until he takes me back. I’ve lied to him and cheated twice. He knows that I talked to somebody but does not know that I actually slept with two other men.

But I accuse HIM of doing things, like on a daily basis. I say terrible things to him,to make him feel bad. I only cheated on him so that if I ever found out he cheated on ME, at least I can say I did it too and maybe it won’t hurt so badly. I’ve never cheated on anybody before,and what surprises me is that I never really felt guilty for cheating on him. In fatc,I talk to multiple people now because I’ve gotten it into my head that he’s cheating,though he’s never given me any indication that he is. Sometimes I feel like I hate him,mostly for what other men has done to me,think he too,will do the same. But I also love him to death. Every time we have a really bad argument I cry for hours and think of ways to end my own life because picturing life without him is the most unbearable feeling I know. Through everything I put him through he sticks around,waiting for me to change for the better. I know a person can only take so much before having enough but I cannot help treating him the I do and am afraid that I will never stop and it will be the same thing with every other men that I date. I want to change for the better because I am so stressed it feels like I am going to die any day. Deep down I do believe that he IS a good person who I don’t deserve. I just need help on controlling my anger and dealing with insecurities. Thanks so much.

A. You have anger issues and insecurities. The most efficient way to deal with these issues is to consult a therapist. If therapy is not an option, then you may want to consult self-help books or materials.

Having anger issues and insecurities may explain why you repeatedly find yourself in unhealthy relationships and it may effectively explain your current behavior. You are engaging in the very behavior that has hurt you in past relationships. Cheating not only destroys relationships, it is emotionally and psychologically damaging to your partner. It is never okay to hurt someone you care about. A more effective approach would have been to have a discussion with your partner. If that did not decrease your fears, then consulting a therapist or an outside objective party would have been in order.

What you cannot do is to allow the pattern of cheating and self-sabotage to continue. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist for your ongoing relationship issues. You are having difficulty sustaining healthy relationships. Your behavior in your current relationship is self-sabotaging. It is not healthy. It hurts you and your partner, it has seriously damaged this relationship and if is not corrected it will damage future relationships. You should not continue on this path. It is important that you correct these issues. Click the find help tab at the top of this page to help you locate a therapist. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 20 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2011). Ongoing Relationship Problems. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/20/ongoing-relationship-problems/