Wife Isn’t Interested in Sex

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for 4 years now. We met 6 months before getting married. My wife was a virgin when she married me and I was not. Our relationship is great and we love each other a lot. No problems. And if we have any arguments we resolve our conflicts before we go to be that night.

We are lacking closeness in one thing though. “Sex”. She is never interested in sex. And the only time she is interested in sex is when she gets drunk. That is like once in 6 months or so. And if we do have sex, its gotta be very quick. She gets easily bored of sex. If I do not climax within 2 mins she just gets up and walks away. I cannot finish up that fast. It takes at the least 5 mins if I try to hurry up. She keeps asking me if I am going to finish up, every 30 seconds and I just lose it. It just ruins it for me.

There is just no intimacy at all.

If we have sex once in 3-4 months is lucky for me. I do feel like cheating on her because I have needs too. But I just masturbate every so often. I feel really bad about the whole situation.

And now she wants to have kids. She is in a state of mind that, if I can take my sperm and just give it to her she will inject it herself rather than having sex with me. Its that bad.

I have no idea what to do. I have suggested going to a sex therapist. But she keeps refusing.

I am lost and have no idea what to do. Please help. I need an answer.

A: What a disappointment for you both. Yes – both. You lack the sexual connection you so want with the woman you love. She finds that sex is not what she thought it would be. You are frustrated. She feels like she is always disappointing you. This could erode your marriage. Actually it already is.

Cheating is not the answer if you want to save the marriage. Having a relationship that works in every other way is not something to throw away easily.

My suggestion is that you take a very big step back. Instead of pushing sex, invite some very tender talk. Instead of focusing on your needs, ask your wife just what it is that makes her so unable to be sexually close. Did something happen to her at some time that left her unable to enjoy sex? Did she shut her sexuality so decisively off in order to stay a virgin until marriage that she can’t switch it back on? Has she been afraid she might hurt your feelings if she told you that there is something in your approach that overwhelms her? Stay as compassionate and loving as you know how. Explore her feelings without judgment. This isn’t a debate. It’s a loving discovery of what she has experienced and what she needs.

If there is something about sex that upsets her so, let her know that you want to help her through it. Suggest that the two of you might benefit from working with a couples therapist to help you learn how to communicate better when a topic is scary or difficult. If she really, truly is clear that there is no underlying reason for her lack of libido, suggest that she might want to have a complete physical checkup including a visit to an endocrinologist. Sometimes it’s in the hormones, not in the head.

I am concerned that the topic of sex has become so difficult for the two of you that you aren’t intimate in other important ways as well. Talking through this issue with love and understanding may help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). Wife Isn’t Interested in Sex. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/19/wife-isnt-interested-in-sex/