Trust Issues with my Fiance

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

my fiance and i have been together for almost 3 years now. we have a daughter and home together. about two months ago we went on a “break” i was torn up inside. he was partying almost every night. he would barley even see our daughter because a majority of the time he was to hungover or to busy going out. i was absolutley heart broken. he had always been a great dad, and a great fiance we would rarley fight. i thought we were happy.

so during our “break” i did every thing i could to try and get him back but he wouldn’t give me the time of day. until he went out of town for a week. i didnt call or respond to any of his texts. once he had came back he said he missed me and he thinks we can work things out. so i was happy but we did not get back together nor are we now. ever since we started trying to work things out i’ve been hearing so many rumors of him being with one of his friends sisters. i was so upset i comfronted him about it. he told me they were just friends and nothing ever happened.

in my heart i could feel he was lying but i choose to believe him because i do love him. but i went through our computer without him knowing and i’ve found so many pictures of and her. they’re always just hugging but still i am upset. then i got into his email and found more pictures they were really close sitting together and their cheeks were touching it looked like they were a couple! i am so bothered and upset. i told him i wanted her deleted from his life but so far all he’s done is tell her they cant talk or be friends anymore. but i dont even know if thats true because i was not there. so now i am torn everything in my heart and body says hes lying and he was being with this girl, but i keep choosing to believe him. i have so many different feelings i dont know what to do. apart of me wants to be with him because i do love him but the part me wants absolutley nothing to do with him. please help!!!

A: Love isn’t always wise. I’m sorry you are in such a painful situation. I’m sure it feels both scary and terrible to realize this man isn’t who you thought he was. But let’s be honest. He has not been a great dad to your daughter. He is not loving her mother. He is not committed to making the kind of family she needs to grow strong. He is not committed to putting his responsibilities as a father above his desires to be a man about town. He’s lying. You’ve let the situation turn you into a snoop.

You and your daughter deserve better. Your boyfriend may be able to avoid growing up but you can’t. You may be only 20 but you have a daughter to raise now. Give up on trying to reform this guy and start focusing on what you need to do to make the kind of home you and your daughter need. Give back the ring and let your “fiance” know that until he is willing to grow up, get married, and help support his family, you’re not interested. Get a lawyer and find out what your rights are regarding chld support. Make sure that visitations with him are safe for your little girl.

When you’ve stabilized your home, you can think about finding someone to love. I’m sure there is a good man out there who will love, cherish, and help provide for you and your little girl. Don’t accept anything less.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). Trust Issues with my Fiance. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/19/trust-issues-with-my-fiance/

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