Longtime Boyfriend Constantly Lies

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and lived together three of those years. Six months into the relationship I found him parked in his workplace parking lot with a woman at 3am. That night he had gone to a friend of ours house and I stayed home because I didnt feel well and when I woke up at 2am and he still wasnt home and wouldnt answer his phone i became worried. Now 3 and 1/2 years later i do not believe that he was cheating on me with that woman but he was sincerely just dropping her off but that night was the turning point in our relationship.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the prior incident but then another six months later he started distancing himself from me. He wouldnt come home after work, didnt wanna do anything, and his cell phone glued to his hip at all times. Of course I was suspicious and he knew it but denied anything was wrong. But then the night of my birthday he stayed gone all night and didnt come back home till 4am when i asked him what happened he said he had fallen asleep at a friends house. I knew he was lying but didn’t have any prove… yet. The very next night once again I caught him with another woman at his workplace. Needless to say he moved out my house that night. I was devasted, lost 30lbs in a month and went into deep depression. But then he came back three months later said he had made a mistake but did not cheat on me just thought the grass was greener on the other side.

So after him proving to me that he was going to do anything it took to earn my trust back and make things right he moved back in. The next two years went by with no major problems but I drove myself crazy wondering if he was going to leave me again, checking his phone, making sure he was where he said he was. I became obsessed about trying to catch him in a lie again. Eventually I found on his phone where he had been back in contact with the last woman he left me for and i sat him down and confronted him about it and he said they were going to still be friends and I just had to get over it. That was not acceptable for me! I was the one he “loved” and he should be doing whatever it took to make me feel secure in our relationship (so I think).

So when he wouldnt agree to cut off the friendship with her I left my house and went and stayed with my sister for a week and told him I was giving him time to get his stuff out. Well that week went by and he still hadnt moved anything so I went back and started packing his stuff for him. So he moved to his Grandma’s house. Two months later I moved out that house also and in with my sister. We were still seeing each other but not seriously when I turned up pregnant by him. I wanted to have that baby but he kept saying “we cant afford a child right now”, “we’re not even together”, “but it’s your decision” his actions led me to believe that he did not want our child. So I did what i had to do and the following week I find out his is dating a woman that has a two year old little girl!! Once again I was abandoned.

Even though he was with someone else he was constantly texting me and telling me he missed me and loved me and wished things were different. Now in the past 8 months he has been going back and forth between me and this other woman that has the daughter. He says he cares about her but she’s not going anywhere in her life and he loves the little girl. He says he knows he isn’t going to be spending the rest of his life with her because he can’t live without me and will always love me no matter what.

He is now back with me but we are not living together and just lastnight he wouldnt answer his phone and when i went by his house at 10:45pm he wasn’t home but when he finally did talk to me he said he had been home since 8:30pm and had fallen asleep.

Everyone tells me to just move on but it’s not that simple. I love this man with every bit of my heart and can not give up on our love even if it does drive me crazy with trust issues. I know he has it in him to treat me right I just need to know how to talk to him. Our communication skills are awful and when we have problems he tends to want to take the easy way out and avoid the situation until a few days have gone by and everything is blown over. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone but that’s what makes it even more confusing to me. How do I let him know what i need from him without causing an argument and make him understand how he has destroyed my self confidence and trust for him and how can he get it back? How do I get him to understand that if he wants us to work then he has to invest more time and effort in it because I’m scared that when I finally do move on then he’s going to be the man that I know he can be. Please help me get my sanity back and a little understanding of the way he seems to be thinking. Thanks for listening and helping.

A: I’m sorry to have to tell you that I don’t think either of you is ready for a committed relationship. You may have started this relationship four years ago but you were only in your teens. You two are still acting out high school drama. What you are calling love looks too much like dependency to me. What he is calling love looks like it only lasts until there is another opportunity. Regardless of what he says, his actions tell you he’s not going to be the kind of guy you want.

I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. I do suggest you find a therapist to help you develop more self-esteem and more confidence so you can find someone to love who will really love you back. You deserve much better than your so-called boyfriend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). Longtime Boyfriend Constantly Lies. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/16/longtime-boyfriend-constantly-lies/