Serious Trust Issue and Baby on the Way

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been with my now husband for 3 years. Our relationship started out fantastic, we had our ups and downs of course, but he and myself are very strong minded people so its to be expected.

I’ve been cheated on in every previous relationship and I’ve never thought myself to be pretty or anything anyone should want. I think our problems started about a year ago when I found a naked picture of a friend of mine in his phone. I know he can’t help what gets sent to him, but he sent it to other people then talked about it with his brother. When I confronted him I was pretty upset, it ended in a huge fight in which he said I shouldn’t be going through his phone and I’m acting like an 8 year old and he left me in the bedroom crying.

After that incident I really got to be very nervous, always worrying. A few months later I was having a rough day and I’d been crying, he was home drinking and he kept trying to cheer me up when I got home, but once in a slump I sometimes struggle jumping right back out. Everything was fine, we even were in the bedroom getting intimate for a while. Later that night he got a text from a friend asking If him and a friend can come over. At first he asked me and I.of course wasn’t ok with it, she and him had a previous history, and I had heard from many people she still wanted him. At first he took it well, then suddenly he snapped. Accused me of keeping him from friends, saying I was ruining his life. He kicked me out, told me he never really wanted me to move in, so I left. (There were many other words exchanged ive made myself forget, I’ve never been so hurt in my life) as I walked out he said I love you we will work it out tomorrow.

I drove around not wanting to go home, I started to feel guilty that my jealousy had caused and a foolish fight making me think she liked him, so I called him. When I called him, he was in such a great mood, like him and I his girlfriend of two years had never even fought. I apologized for keeping him from his friends and explained I was just scared of losing him because she’s much prettier then me. He told me you won’t lose me and she’s not prettier then you, then suddenly he said I have to go, I said don’t cheat on me ok and he said ok love you and hung up. As he hung up I was driving by, and she was waking up our driveway. I was devastated but tried to stay somewhat positive.

I went to my parents, absolutely heartbroken, he text me after she left. He told me she brought back good memories, that she was his sunshine and I his greyclouds … he pretty much had nothing nice to say, he finally admitted he had cheated on me, he had made out with her. Then he just went to bed like it was no big deal what had happened.
I spent the most painful night on my parents couch crying harder then I’ve cried my whole life, I cried so much I threw up. I wish I could explain the extreme pain I felt, I’ve tried many times to find the words, but there are none.

I spent the next day putting in my two weeks at work. Withdrawing from college and planning to move to a different state with my grandparents. Later that day he finally woke up and sent me a text saying are you leaving me babe? I couldn’t believe him.
I went to the house to pack my bags, he begged me and begged me to stay, I finally gave in, but I was still completely broken. I felt terrible when I wasn’t around him, but when I was with him it helped just a little with the pain, after all he had been my best friend.

After that day he refused to let me speak about what happened, a few months later he proposed. We got married, but I almost backed out. I forgave him but try as I might I can’t forget. That night haunts me, I hurt so bad. It’s made me completely obsessed with thinking he’s going to be stolen away. I’m in constant worry, especially now that I’m pregnant.

This issue is causing a lot of problems, he calls me a one year old and doesn’t believe I have low confidence just that I’m being a bad person. He says lots of hurtful things, but I know its partly my constant worrying and bothering him.

I need help! How do I get past this?

A: Please, please, you two. Get yourselves to a couples counselor and work things out before your baby is born. All three of you deserve better than this. You can’t build a family on a foundation of distrust, dependency, guilt, and anger.

You need to understand that no one can steal your husband away unless he agrees to it. He needs to understand that hurtful words aren’t going to reassure you. Your attempts to monitor his every move are going to only make him feel trapped and angry. It’s a mess.

If you don’t attend to this now, it will only get messier: Once the baby arrives, you’ll both have less emotional and physical energy for dealing with the problems. I predict that you will feel vulnerable. He will feel like you are too controlling. Meanwhile the baby who needs both of your love and attention to grow and thrive will be short-changed.

You may be able to make a real marriage out of this situation yet but you’re going to need help to pull it off. If you could have done it by yourselves, you would have done it long ago. Please face up to that fact and talk to your doctor or another trusted person about how to go about finding the right therapist for you.

I wish all three of you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Mar 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). Serious Trust Issue and Baby on the Way. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/13/serious-trust-issue-and-baby-on-the-way/