Hello. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and before we got together, he warned me that before we had intercourse, not to be ‘alarmed’ if he didnt come as he said it usually takes him several hours to do so. I then credited myself thereafter as everytime we had intercourse he orgasmed.
Recently things have actually stopped. I have a very high sex drive and it has got to the point that he can not be bothered to have sex as it “takes too long”. Ive asked him to masturbate more often so that he can feel comfortable doing it himself, and he has no interest at all due to it taking so long, and putting him off.
I have tried EVERYTHING to get him stimulated, sexy underwear, toys, etc, but still nothing seems to get him going. He said that its not me, and that hes always been like this but It wasnt like this before. only recently. I feel so unattractive and am scared that he isnt interested in me although he reassures me that he loves me more now than ever. so why is it so hard to have sex with me?! It doesnt help that i have such a high sex drive, and is causing a lot of arguments between us. If it wasnt for this, our relationship would be perfect.
A: The level of sex drive varies from guy to guy. On one end of the spectrum are guys who never seem to be satisfied. On the other end are guys like yours who have little to no sex drive. It is estimated that as many as 20% of males are on the lower end. You’re not alone in this. And it most probably has nothing to do with you! The reason he was able to perform in the early stages of your relationship is that the romance was new and nature was responding. That’s not unusual either.
What is unusual in this case is your boyfriend’s acceptance of the situation. Before he resigns himself to little sex in his life, he might want to talk with his doctor. Medical causes of low libido include: low testosterone levels, high prolactin levels, pre-diabetes, hypertension, or chronic fatigue – to name only a few. If he is medically healthy, there might be a psychological problem like depression, inadequate skills for managing stress, or reaction to a past traumatic experience.
Needless to say, you can’t argue someone out of a medical or psychological problem. Instead, express your love and concern and see if he is responsive to finding out just why he isn’t able to enjoy this part of life with you. Explain that there may be good reasons why he is unresponsive sexually and that it’s important to you to make sure he is medically and emotionally healthy. Once you have that information, the two of you will be better able to decide what to do. It may be treatable. It may not be.
if there is a condition that makes it unlikely he’ll want sex more often, can he take pleasure in pleasuring you? Can you accept that it’s really okay for sex to be one sided most of the time. If your relationship is perfect outside of this one area, do think it through carefully.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Mar 2011
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). My Boyfriend has No Sexual Desire: Is this Normal?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/03/11/my-boyfriend-has-no-sexual-desire-is-this-normal/