I have a great boyfriend of 2 years yet I fear something is wrong with me…I developed a crush on someone at work and think about this person a lot. I would probably be intimate with them if given the chance. I wish I could forget about my crush and be happy with the amazing man I already have. The truth is, my crush is mostly lust and excitement and wouldn’t be a long term match. I feel like I have commitment issues…most of my friends would love to marry my man but I am hesitant and don’t know why. Right now we aren’t officially together because he caught me chatting online with my crush…and the truth is, I fear if we get back together, i might get bored again and start another crush or move further with this crush. My boyfriend is great, he is there for me and is a real man. I guess I can’t figure out why I can’t just be satisfied like a normal person. What is it that I am seeking? Will I ever be able to settle down? I don’t want to lose what I have with him but I would love the freedom and good time to explore someone new. Please help. Thank you!
A: I’m impressed that you are trying to be fair to a nice guy whose only relationship problem is that he fell in love with someone who can’t whole-heartedly return it.
As you know, there is always the potential to find someone new and different. There’s a special kind of excitement to falling in love and exploring each other’s interests, thoughts, and bodies for the first time. At some point, though, most people decide they want to grow with someone over a lifetime. That’s something you can only do once. It has its own rewards. The experience of going to new levels together and being part of what each of you becomes may not be as exciting as the new-falling-in-love state but it can be deeply meaningful.
I can’t answer your questions about yourself because I don’t know enough about you. But they are important questions to address. If you don’t, you may find yourself always searching and never giving yourself the comfort and richness of a committed relationship.
I hope you will consider seeing a therapist to dig into your hesitation to really connect with a terrific man. Personal growth is a legitimate use of therapy. Therapists are trained to ask questions that help you explore and discover for yourself what you’re about. You can then make decisions that are based in a better understanding of your own goals and issues.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 2 Feb 2011
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). I Have a Great Guy, So Why am I Tempted?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 11, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/02/02/i-have-a-great-guy-so-why-am-i-tempted/