My Boyfriend is Lying to Me

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My Bf and I have been together for a little over a year. His mother passed away in Sept. after a tough battle with cancer. I was by his side through it all. She passed on Sept. 20, 2010. On Sept. 28, 2010 he and his father met with an insurance rep to discuss his mother’s long term care policy. On October 3-6 my bf would not talk to me. He would ignore my calls and emails. Then on Oct 7. He started talking to me again as if nothing had happened. When I asked why he hadn’t been talking to me he said he was sorry but that everything with his mom had “arrived at his front door”. I was understanding and sympathetic but I had a “gut” feeling that something wasn’t quite right. A couple of weeks later he was at my house and forgot to close his email…. yes I snooped.

I found that he and the insurance rep had been emailing. These were very flirty/somewhat sexually suggestive emails. He made a comment to her about coming to see him, “preferably without undergarments” and made a comment that he “hopes everything on her is still firm”. They had very lengthy telephone conversations. (He wont spend more than 5 minutes on the phone with me, says he hates talking on the phone). The last email to her was Oct. 07 when she said she might “grace her with his presence later today.” (He was chatting with me online at the same time, telling me how his mom’s death just hit him so hard). I didn’t see any more emails after that date. I did see an email dated Oct. 19 that he sent to his ex gf telling her how much he missed her and cant stop thinking about when she was suppose to come meet him in Chicago in Oct 09. In November I found out he had been txing two 18-20 yr old girls pretending to be a 20 yr old boy (the boy who had previously had his cell number.) One of the girls told me he asked her for naked pics. I asked him several times about all of these issues. Asked him pointblank about the ins. rep. He denied anything other than a business relationship.

I finally confronted him about what I knew. He said they never had sex or kissed or anything like that and that nothing further happened after the Oct. 7 email. The problem is, he lied to me so many times before when I asked him. He looked me straight in the eye and lied. How can I trust him or should I. Am I a fool for giving him another chance? Oh, and he also lied to me yesterday about an old “friend” that he talks to all the time…actually there are two. He said he never had sexual relationship with them but I found out that he did…with both of them. I asked him again yesterday. “So you and Janice were never more than friends? You never had sex or anything like that? He said. Oh No. We always been just friends.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I do love him but I don’t want to be blind-sided again or be a complete fool.
Thank you.

A: You did the right thing by writing to us. I am glad you are deciding to take control of the situation. He isn’t worth another minute of your time. Let’s review. He flat out lied about five different people in the space of several weeks. Don’t kid yourself that you love him. You love his potential, not his reality. Who he is with you versus who you think he could be are two different things.

I would encourage you to find an individual therapist and plan to take better care of yourself. You deserve more than someone who isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as you are. Once you get through the nuts and bolts of the breakup, I would use your therapy to find out why you thought you loved someone so lacking. This will be important to know as you begin dating again.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Jan 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). My Boyfriend is Lying to Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/01/31/my-boyfriend-is-lying-to-me/