I probably know what I’m so angry, why I’m always wanting to hurt others. A few years back I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by a counsellor at camp. He tortured me and raped me severely. Now, I’m constantly being sent over the edge by little things, and I go too far. I’ve nearly killed my little sister out of anger, and I always see images of the people being killed by my, and I LIKE it. It’s sick. To stop myself from hurting others, I hurt myself. I will cut, burn, stab, bite, hit, or scratch myself to calm the bloodlust inside, the anger. As long as someone’s flesh is broken, I calm down. So I choose it to be mine. But lately it’s been getting worse and worse, and I’m afraid that the only way to stop myself from killing someone… is to kill myself. I’ve attempted suicide before, but my boyfriend stopped me. I’m not sure if he can this time. I truly love my boyfriend, and I’ve told him everything about my problems, but even though he loves me back dearly, he still can’t solve my problems. He’s the only reason I mind dying, I promised him I’d never hurt him. If he weren’t here, I’d have no problem with ending my life. Heck, I’d do it without even being driven to the edge, just because the pain would stop. But my boyfriend IS here, so I have to find a way to stop the blood lust before it’s too late. I need help, I need to know how to deal with this, how to deal with my self-hatred and the anger towards others, deal with the fear and nightmares that come with being a rape victim. Please, before I hurt anyone else I love.
A: What you are describing is one of the ways that people respond to trauma. You experienced a very traumatic event. I hope, I hope, I hope you have a therapist to help you come to terms with it. If you don’t, please show your parents this letter and ask them to help you find a therapist right away. If you do have a therapist, call and make an appointment. Take this letter to the therapist so she or he will know just how seriously upset you are!
I want you to know that you are right that you are having a reaction to an abnormal situation. You’re not crazy. You don’t know what to do with the feelings of rage and hurt and confusion. Many adults couldn’t cope with being so badly hurt. You’re only 14. It’s not reasonable to expect you to handle this on your own. BTW: It’s not at all unusual to have to go back to therapy several times to get to closure on a situation as serious as this one. It’s as if the mind can only take in so much at a time. So don’t be shy about calling your therapist for another chapter of work.
While you wait for that appointment, stay in touch with the counselors at the Boys and Girls Town, 800-448-3000. Counselors are available for free to talk to young people like you who need some help. For more information, you can also go to their website at http://www.boystown.org/national-hotline
I can’t tell you how angry and sad I am about what you went through. Kids go to camp to have a good time, not to be harmed. Parents send their kids to camp to make good memories, not horrible ones.
Please ask your boyfriend to hold your hand while you look for the help you need. It sounds like he’s quite a great guy! But he can’t be your therapist. You will both feel easier if you have a professional to talk to.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Dec 2010
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). Anger driving me to suicide?. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 19, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/12/27/anger-driving-me-to-suicide/