Moved With Girlfriend to New Country

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m 24 and me and my girlfriend moved from our native country to an important european city to try a better life.We have been thru very hard times,we didn’t had almost anything when we arrived here,we met a lot of deceiving people,we had a humiliating job and the athmosphere in the house where we lived was extremely stressful.We felt like two abandoned children sometimes.I blamed myself that I brought my girlfirend in this situation and I thought even about automutilation.We lived like this for 7 months.Now we are financially better and I have a good job,so we can’t complain for the present.Normaly I would feel joy or self-esteem,but I feel worse than before,I feel anxious almost all the time,melancholic about when I was a schoolboy and my hometown,I think about death as an eliberation,I find life very meaningless and shallow.I talked about this with my girlfriend and she feels the same way,we can’t find joy anymore in things that we used to like.I thought profoundly about suicide but the only things that keep me back are God and the thought of leaving my girlfriend by herself.Yes,I do believe in God and the fact that I have these thoughts makes me feel even more worthless. Could we ever get back to a normal state of mind and enjoy life? Please take me seriously,any advice means a lot to us. Thank you,

A. It seems that your recent move has been difficult. It is possible that you and your girlfriend are in the midst of a sustained adjustment period. Moving to a new country is a major life change. Moving from your native country meant leaving the life that you knew, your job, your friends and family, etc. These are all significant losses. You may be grieving those losses. For many people, such a move would be traumatic. It could lead to feelings of disillusionment, confusion and depression.

Other aspects of this issue may be related to the fact that perhaps moving to a new country was not what you thought it would be. You may have had unrealistic expectations. Your new reality may be inconsistent with your expectations. If so, the incongruence between what you thought life would be after the move and what it is may be contributing to the problem.

Another aspect of this problem may be that you and your girlfriend are reinforcing each other’s negative feelings. Happiness is thought to be contagious. So might depression and negative thoughts, at least in this specific situation. You and she may be having difficulty decreasing the feelings of depression in part, because neither party has a sense of hope or happiness. In this situation it may be that depression begets depression.

To answer your specific question, yes, I do believe that it is possible for you and your girlfriend to return to your normal state of psychological functioning. The most efficient way to do this would be to seek help from a mental health professional. Given the fact that you have contemplated suicide, I would not recommend attempting to deal with this problem on your own.

Professional help could greatly benefit both you and your girlfriend. A mental health professional can help break the cycle of depression and isolation. I am not familiar with the mental health services in the UK, so unfortunately I am unable to provide a link to a specific agency or treatment center.

I would also like to add the thought that perhaps you have underestimated the process that you have begun. Perhaps you thought that moving to the UK and finding a decent job was the process, the whole process but perhaps it is only part of the process. Perhaps you are only a good healthy step along the way. Maybe the future holds more career development, starting a business, getting more education, etc. Be proud that you are succeeding.

I hope that you are able to get the help you need. Please take care. I wish you well.

Kristina Randle

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Dec 2010

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2010). Moved With Girlfriend to New Country. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 2, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/12/24/moved-with-girlfriend-to-new-country/