My Boyfriend Disappeared Again

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

It has been 5 days since my boyfriend disappeared again. The last time we talked, everything was very normal. He still said: “I love you and call me tomorrow.” We are in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. I have met his family in Korea and he has met my family in Vietnam. He is supposed to bring his mom to Vietnam in Dec. to meet my parents. We are planning to get married in May 2011. The last time we talked, I asked him to ask his mom to confirm the date to come here so I could tell my parents. He said OK. Then a day later, I called him and he didn’t pick up his phone. He just texted me ” I call you later” which he didn’t. About 5 hours later, I called and his phone was off. Later on, he texted me “Talk to you tomorrow. Sorry”. But when I called him a day later, he totally ignored my called. I tried to text and email him, asking him what went wrong, but nothing came from him. I really don’t know what is going on. This is the 2nd time it happened like that. The first time was 11 months ago, when he was about to come here within a week, he disappeared. Then 4 days later he emailed me and explained. Everything was fine then. Now when he is about to come here with his mom, he disappeared again. I’m so freaking out right now. I don’t know what to do.

A: I can certainly understand your concern and frustration. This would be very unnerving for anyone in a relationship, particularly when it is with the person you are hoping to marry.

I would be very clear about the fact that this is the second time and that it is not okay under any circumstances. I would explain that part of becoming a couple is to have ongoing, clear communication, and it is unfair for him not to inform you of his whereabouts. Whatever the reason he needs to be held accountable.

If you do not take a strong stand on this, and explain that this type of behavior is equivalent to a betrayal of trust, then your fiancé will not grasp the seriousness of his behavior. What could be so important that he would not inform you of his actions? Take a clear and unambiguous stand on this. You are about to begin a lifelong commitment with this person. You deserve to be treated with more respect.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Dec 2010

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2010). My Boyfriend Disappeared Again. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/12/10/my-boyfriend-disappeared-again/