Girlfriend lost her feelings for me

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Well, here goes. A month ago my girlfriend and me had a bit of a talk about our relationship, and how her feelings had dissipated somewhat. She said she felt like we were no longer a couple, but instead close friends. We opted for a break to figure out what we should do, and later my girlfriend contacted me and said she wanted to get back together. She did say that she was not yet certain of her feelings, but wanted to give it a shot anyways. Well we went out for about 3 weeks and just yesterday she said that her feelings were not coming back, and that we should break up. We both know that the “falling in love”-phase doesn’t last forever and that the fiery, explosive kind of feeling subsides. However she was now pretty sure that it wasn’t just this, and that she no longer loved me in the way that you’re supposed to love a boyfriend.

Despite all of this, I can’t stop thinking that something could have been done, that maybe this was just a phase of the relationship, that the break up was not called for, even though I’m pretty sure it was. I mean, the initial rush wearing off isn’t the same as losing the feeling completely, is it? It feels difficult to move on. How can I stop obsessing over this and start moving on? (I should probably mention that I have been to a psychologist to talk about my anxiety issues. I do not have a formal diagnose of a disorder, though the psychologist recognizes that I do have symptoms of anxiety.)

A: Thank you for sharing these details, and for the chance to respond. I am sorry you are going through this difficult time.

But the words I have to share with you may not be an immediate comfort. Your girlfriend has been unambiguous, and what I know about these things is that for a couple to be happy they have to work at it. Please see this article on tips for enhancing your love bonds for more details.

In this instance, since you list your age as 20 the lessons learned from this relationship will serve you well in the future. The best relationships are when two people can be vulnerable with each other and mutually celebrate their successes and achievements. It doesn’t sound like you can have this with this woman.

How to recover? Go do something new. Learn something new, and expand your pools of friends and acquaintances. If you think back to how you met her the likelihood was that it happened by chance. Increase your chances of meeting someone new by doing new things.

I am glad you are in therapy, and would strongly recommend a group therapy experience in addition. The kind of anxiety you are having may be helped directly with the support from a group. You can ask your therapist for information about a group in your country that is close by.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Dec 2010

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2010). Girlfriend lost her feelings for me. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 30, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/12/03/girlfriend-lost-her-feelings-for-me/