Psych Central

Father died and boyfriend doesn’t care about me

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My father died January 4 2010 and he was my everything, now I don’t talk to any of my family members barely my mom and I simply hate my brother. My boyfriend talks to other females and lies about it, he acts secretive and always twists it around and it becomes my fault because I’m jealous and insecure. He says he loves me but I don’t feel loved or appreciated. He talks to whomever and thinks its okay. When I tell him how I feel he gets defensive and he just told me he wants space. The girls he talks to are nasty and easy and he’s a flirt. He talks to them online, on the phone and web cam and lies to me even when I find out. But he says he’s with me so I shouldn’t be mad. But it really hurts me to know what he does. He’s the only one I have and he doesn’t care about me. He says I can’t change him and I need to solve my issues. We’ve been together since April of 2008. I love him so much to leave him and I don’t want him to leave how can I have him realize how much he hurts me and how much I wish he would change back to being perfect with me. When there weren’t all these girls in our picture? And how can I love myself enough to not be jealous?

A: I am sorry for the loss of your father at such an important stage of your development. Loving yourself enough not to be jealous is exactly the right idea. I agree that you must take better care of yourself, and there are three things I would recommend.

First, start broadening your circle of friends and put yourself in some new situations to meet new people. You have to stretch yourself a bit, but it should be worth it. Not every attempt to expand your circle will work, but some are likely. Be active; don’t hang around waiting for your obviously lame boyfriend. You deserve better.

Secondly, I would talk to your high school guidance counselor about joining a short-term group for grieving the death of your dad. You counselor will know how and who to direct you to for this. Grieving is an essential part of gaining some closure and moving on. It sounds like you loved your dad a great deal, and this type of counseling would help.

Finally I would be ready to set a limit of what you will tolerate with your boyfriend. There is no need for you to allow him to treat you so poorly. It won’t be easy, but if you don’t set a limit to his poor treatment of you, he will continue to hurt you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Nov 2010

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2010). Father died and boyfriend doesn’t care about me. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 20, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/11/29/father-died-and-boyfriend-doesnt-care-about-me/