My parents hate me

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

im 16 and im from Venezuela, my parents never had a perfect marriage, in fact theyre not ever married, they’re just together because i was born. Sometimes they get along, sometimes they don’t. They have never been suportive to me.. they always punish me for my grades wich are straight B’s and some A’s, they want all A’s but, its not normal the way they punish me. They dont let me go out AT ALL. Not birthday parties, not mall, not the movies, not a friends house, NO NOTHING. And recently i got a boyfriend, wich i think they hate too.. so they make our relationship super complicated, they dont let me go to his house, or whenever they let me go out, they tell me im a liar, that i was sleeping with him at his house, that im going to get pregnant, they always ask too much, why do i want to go? whos going to be there? im a lying? they tell me im a liar so many times. They never show me any kind of love. And this has been going on for more than two years. It has started to make me feel horrible, and sometimes i take pills just to see if i can die.

Talking to them dosnt work, they just laugh at me or dont listen at all.. what can I do? to feel free like my friends? to have a relationship with them? how can i be NORMAL? please.. i need help, really really do. Thanks for your time..

A: It may be that your parents are taking their mistakes out on you. Instead of being angry with themselves for getting into a loveless marriage, they are angry with you for “making them” get married. Of course, you didn’t make them do anything. They made a choice that apparently has led to resentment and bitterness.

To their credit, your folks have made a try at making a family. In that way, they’ve tried to love you and to make the best of things. They are also showing their love for you by attempting to make sure you don’t make the same mistake they did. They think that controlling you will keep you from getting into an inappropriate relationship, getting pregnant, and repeating their sad lives. It makes sense to me that this all started when you began to look more like a woman than a girl.

I know it may not feel like love but I do think that’s what it’s all about. If you get angry or rebellious, it isn’t going to help. It will only confirm their worst fears. Instead, I suggest you find a way to sincerely thank them for doing their best to make sure you don’t make mistakes. Then explain that you would like to work with them to come up with an “independence plan.” Ask them to help you figure out steps you can take to prove to them that you are trustworthy. In return, what are they willing to let you do so that you can get the practice you need to become a self-reliant and confident adult? As you show them you are responsible, will they show you they trust you by letting you do more of the things that teenagers do?

If you don’t think you can handle this kind of conversation or if you think they won’t listen to you, you need some help. Consider asking a teacher or someone else your parents would respect to help you talk with them.

In the meantime, keep your grades up and start looking for college scholarships. In less than two short years, you could go off to school and start to make your own life. I hope you love yourself enough to set some goals and to work for them.

Your parents’ mistaken ideas about how to protect you may deprive you of a few years. But if you die, you’ll be depriving yourself of maybe 60 or 70 years of a happy and rewarding life. Think about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 Nov 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). My parents hate me. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/11/28/my-parents-hate-me-2/