Why does he call me dirty names during sex?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am 56 and my guy is 57. We have a relationship based on friendship with benefits. He doesn’t want any type of relationship that will result in commitment. So I have agreed to sleep with him because he is so kind and sweet to me outside the bedroom. The surprise came when we got into bed. He became a different person. He is very aggressive. He doesn’t give me fore-play. Oh when I mentioned it, he corrected it by kissing me on the neck. Then he hopped on top of me and ask me if I am ready for him.

He is so much into himself. He thinks if I cum several times, than he has done his job.

My question: When I am on top of him, he calls me dirty names like bitch and slut. Why does he do this? Is it because I am a friend who is giving him what he wants without asking for anything in return? Or what? I did stop him when he called me those names and he only laughed. I don’t know what to do if he calls me those again?

A: Thanks for putting this question out here. I think it is an important one because it highlights the issue of what is okay, and what isn’t.

At the risk of stating the obvious men typically have less of a nuanced sexual drive than women. But the solution can actually be quite simple. If you ask any man if he would like to know what would turn the woman he is with on, the unequivical answer would be ‘yes.’

So, be clear about exactly what you want –and what you don’t want. What is as important is consistency. If he calls you those names 10 times, you need to be clear that you don’t like it 10 times, and explain that it turns you OFF, not ON. But consistency is the key. If you say no 9 times, but don’t on the 10th, your guy will think he just has to work harder to please you. (If they find out I’m telling you the secrets of the Men’s Club they will throw me out ☺.)

Obviously, if he doesn’t get the message sooner rather than later I would sit down (when you both have your clothes on) and let him know the “benefits” part of your relationship is in jeopardy of cutbacks or elimination.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Nov 2010

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2010). Why does he call me dirty names during sex?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/11/25/why-does-he-call-me-dirty-names-during-sex/