Undying Love and Wanting To Die
I’ve always felt worthless, but I know better. I know that upon my death, at the very least, a dozen people would cry. One or two might even have some serious breakdowns…
What I admit, is that I’ve been wanting to kill myself for years and I feel horrible about it, because my friends and family feed on my presence so much. The more I age, the more I want to simply end… I never planned on growing old once I survived the horrors of elementary school. I lost my motivation to be great a long time ago.
Despite my undying love for my friends and family, I have tried to die. Two or three (…or more…) times, I’ve made an attempt. I could never finish it. I’m always too scared of failure, and being seen as pathetic for trying. I also didn’t want any failed attempts to be called “attention seeking” if anyone found out… I’m a whimp.
Overall I am a truly decent, happy person. I care for the life of every individual human and animal – just not my own life. Never my own. I just cannot see myself getting any older than I am now. It feels weird being eighteen. I was expecting to die three or four years ago. I don’t feel like myself, is what I mean.
Is there a name for this, or a way I can deal with it on my own?
(You won’t have to worry about me attempting suicide – because even if you did suggest it, I’d probably chicken out or screw up either way. It’s what I’m good at.)
A. It is not normal to want to die. Suicidal thoughts are a sign that something is very wrong. Feeling worthless, referring to yourself as a ‘pathetic’ or a ‘wimp,’ are all consistent with an individual who does not think highly of herself. These are all signs of depression. Depression is a mental health disorder. According to the World Health Organization, it is one of the most common mental health disorders in the world. It affects approximately 121 million individuals worldwide. Depression is thought to be one of the leading causes of disability in the world. Depression can also lead to suicide. According to the WHO, it is responsible for approximately 850,000 suicides throughout the world.
Should you deal with depression on your own? No. It would be more efficient to consult a mental health professional. There are very effective treatments that exist for depression. Medication is one way to treat depression. You may gain quick relief from an antidepressant medication. Medication alone is generally not considered a comprehensive treatment for depression. Psychotherapy, in addition to medication, is considered, by most mental health professionals to be the right combination of treatment. You may be able to locate a therapist in your area by clicking the find help tab at the top of this page.
I strongly urge you to seek treatment. You likely have been suffering with depression for years and for you it may seem like it is normal for but that is simply untrue. You need time to find out who you are and what you need and what it is that will make you happy in life; that is what is normal, normal for you and normal for all people. Growing up is difficult. You have just begun the first part of the process. It would be a terrible tragedy if you ended your life. Life is a process. Allow the process to proceed. You have survived the tough times. Life hasn’t beaten you and it won’t. Life isn’t a danger to you because you have proven you can take all the hard times and problems that it has thrown at you. Your thoughts of suicide are the only danger to you. Suicide for you should not be an option. Life can be tough and it is for most people but in no way does that mean that it will not be grand. Have faith that your happiness lies ahead. From what you’ve written me, I believe it does. Don’t ignore your depression or suicidal thoughts. Talk with a therapist, it can make your life better and easier than trying on your own.
If you are feeling suicidal, you should go to an emergency room immediately. Call 911 if you feel that you cannot protect yourself. You should also have in your possession the phone number to the national suicide hotline: 800-237-8255.
Please take care. I wish you well.
Randle, K. (2010). Undying Love and Wanting To Die. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 7, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/11/25/undying-love-and-wanting-to-die/