I Just Need Help
All of my life I’ve been struggling with depression. Yes all of my life from as far back as I can remember. I have never felt in sync with the rest of the world. I have always had suicidal thoughts and have even attempted it a few times. (when I was younger I took a bunch of Tylenol got sick threw up and never told any one) I’ve tried to shoot my self one night but my dad stopped me. I have been in and out of psychotherapy and mental health hospitals my whole child hood. It wasn’t in till one therapist started to test me for schizophrenia that I stopped going to see her (I still don’t really know why that was ) But now that I’m 31 years old the feelings have never gone away I have always just been depressed. I have done many studies on my own and I think I might have Aspergers. My parents completely disagree even though they haven’t read any thing I’ve sent them. They just say your depressed like always.
I cant keep a job for longer than 3 years for some reason. I am constantly bullied (or at least I think so). I hate social situations. I would much rather be alone. I have uncontrollable thoughts of rage and revenge. (I will act them out all day while no one is watching.) I’m addicted to sex. I just don’t really know what to think any more. I just want to get out of my head. I want to stop thinking some times.
I have changed my diet. Gotten healthier, and I still feel like … well you know.
I’ve been trying to get in to see a Doctor but I have no insurance and they keep pushing my appointment. I’ll be going on 3 months now looking for help.
I really just want to give up but I can’t do that to my family.
I feel like I am in a fight with myself. And I’m not going to win ( I hope you understand that) I bully myself. Constantly telling myself I’m stupid and worthless and I just can’t seem to stop. I have tantrums and throw stuff and make holes in walls. I just cant seam to control my self. Yes I have hurt myself (sometimes physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain).
I’m at a loss. I really don’t know what to do, and if one more person say’s just get over it and move on, I just might have to do that.
I don’t really know what my question is I guess I just need to write it down.
I don’t even know why I’m trying anymore.
A. I am glad that you wrote and I would implore you to keep trying. Unfortunately, you are experiencing what many people report about the public mental health system. It can be very good but it also has its drawbacks, one of which is limited staff and resources. I would encourage you to attend your next appointment even if it takes months to be seen. I would also suggest calling other local mental health centers to see if they can evaluate you sooner. Some have found it helpful to call their local health department to inquire about other low-cost or free mental health services. Another idea is to search the local newspaper for universities conducting studies of Asperger’s syndrome, autism or schizophrenia. In recent years, there has been an increase in the number of scientific studies investigating these disorders, particularly Asperger’s syndrome and autism. By participating in research you may receive a diagnostic evaluation that can help to determine if you meet the criteria for either one of these disorders. You will also have the opportunity to work with scientific minds that have access to cutting edge interventions and resources. ClinicalTrials.gov is a good place to search for research trials which are recruiting participants. Another good resource that may help you to locate research studies, is the National Institute of Health website.
Some of your symptoms are not necessarily consistent with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Those include your sex addiction, your ability to keep a job for longer periods (three years) and suicidal ideation. Individuals with ASD traditionally have poor employment outcomes but keeping a job for three years would be considered a significant period of time. With regard to suicidal thoughts, individuals with ASD are no more likely to be suicidal than the general population. You did not mention this but other signs of ASD include difficulty interacting with others, social anxiety, and an inability to recognize social cues. Keep in mind that it may be difficult to determine a definitive diagnosis. Sometimes individuals meet some of the criteria for a disorder but not all of those necessary to receive the diagnosis. An individual can struggle with many psychiatric issues, not all of which are diagnosable.
I would recommend following the suggestions mentioned above regarding ways to seek help. It may take time to find the right help but you should never give up. Try to choose a therapist who is knowledgeable about ASDs but who also has a successful record of treating individuals with depression and suicidal ideation. Depression and suicidal ideation are major concerns, particularly because you have seriously contemplated suicide. These issues need to be addressed immediately. I hope that you are able to receive the help that you deserve. Good luck. Please take care.
Randle, K. (2010). I Just Need Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 31, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/11/14/i-just-need-help/