My Girlfriend and Ex

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My girlfriend and I have had an interesting relationship so far. We met when we were both with someone else, first it was just talking and joking around, then it happened. I had never cheated on anyone in my entire life up to that point. Her guy found out and a few months after they tried to work it out, he basically threw her to the trash, which is ironic since he had a kids with his other woman besides her. She went no contact with me for a few months, then one day she text me. It was slow going at first but now we are together and moving in together.

Something very strange happened the other day, we were riding in the car and got to a stop sign and he was at the same stop sign. She tried to duck and hide so he couldn’t see her. I asked her why she hid and she gave me some lame excuse about it being habit and so on and so forth. We talked it out and got past it.
So yesterday I was informed that she was going on a trip with girlfriends in Jan. When I asked who, it changed to a group of ppl from the business that he owns. I am not sure how I feel about that. I know she’s not over him and I have been patient till this point but I don’t think Im comfortable with my GF going on a cruise that her ex is going to be on when shes not over him. She has expressed the fact that she doesn’t really like any of the people, so I am not exactly sure why she would be going…… Sometimes I think there is something I am missing and sometimes I think I am just being paranoid.

Some one give me an opinion on this!

A. I do not believe you are being paranoid. She’s not over her ex but is planning a vacation with individuals she admittedly doesn’t like and where he will be present. She might be using the vacation as a ‘cover’ to be with her ex. She was initially dishonest about who she would be vacationing with. She has a history of cheating (though I do not subscribe to the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ philosophy; people can change). In addition, the incident at the stop sign is suspicious. Was she ashamed of being seen with you or perhaps did not want her ex to know that she was now with you? There is no logical reason why she would need to hide from her ex. I believe you are correct to be concerned.

If her upcoming vacation plans make you uncomfortable then you should tell her and she should strongly reconsider. Whether or not she decides to go on this vacation could be very telling for the relationship. She is in a relationship with you and if it bothers you, then it is a problem for the relationship. If it matters to you, then it should matter to her.

I am sure that there are many more details about the relationship not included in the letter. My sense of the situation is that her decision to go on vacation could be a ‘make or break moment’ for the relationship. If she decides to go on vacation despite your legitimate concerns, then you need to strongly reconsider staying in the relationship. Good luck. I wish you well.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Nov 2010

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2010). My Girlfriend and Ex. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/11/03/my-girlfriend-and-ex/

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