Stingy boyfriend

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I love my boyfriend dearly but his problem is but money. My boyfriend has savings and his own home. I have nothing. But he makes a big issue that i have nothing. He dosnt like spending. I have to mostly by food and drinks out. I dont mind, but if he does buy me something he takes it back if he is anoyed. If he des buy a gift he expects one back directly. I dont enjoy going shopping with him as it always ends up us arguing. He then points out i dont buy him nothing. He dosnt liv with me, but stays every night with me. have a family to takecare of and he dosnt hardly contrabute. but now when he does he takes it back, even if its bread. Sometimes when he buy me a drink he ill take it back half way down, or remind me later.

The other problem is he says very nasty things which results inme being nasty back. Im generally a nice person but im starting to feel im the problem. He never believes in me and pulls me down constant. am writting a book and its being published, he dosnt show no interest.
I feel that i have to keep spending my money to keep him happy. always thought a gift is bought as a gift, not to expect one back instant. or take back. He wanted to take me on holiday and i wouldnt as i know what he is like. when i fnally agree he dosnt want to then. I love him but this problem is tearing us apart. There is more to my problem but i cant discuss on here.

A: This man must be drop-dead gorgeous or extremely charming. Otherwise, I don’t understand for a minute why you would fall for him. He is so concerned about being in control and keeping everything even that he has entirely lost sight of what relationships are about – kindness, caring, generosity, being each other’s greatest fan, and trust. You’re right: Gifts are just that – gifts. What we get back from giving is the joy and appreciation of the receiver, not an immediate monetary return.

My kindest interpretation of his behavior is that he was taken advantage of so badly at some time that he vowed it would never happen again. If that’s the case, he’s letting whoever did it to him have control over his relationship now. You certainly shouldn’t be treated like this. You have done nothing to deserve it.

Since you do think you love him, it’s time to have a serious talk with him about just why he is so worried that you will take advantage of him or hurt him. If he can’t tolerate the difference in your financial status, then you have a painful decision to make. Unless he can make a shift in his attitude and behavior, things aren’t going to change. I know. It’s hard to let go of love, especially in mid-life. Only you can decide if the stress and being pulled down so much is worth it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 Oct 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). Stingy boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/10/28/stingy-boyfriend/