I need to trust my boyfriend

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

We havent been dating that long, about 9 months or so. In the beginning of our rationship, there were a lot of things he didn’t tell me because he was afraid it would ruin our chances. Later I found out about these women he saw. In our second month of getting to know each other he slept with his ex again and didn’t tell me, I later found out in a email. We have had trouble, but I honestly believe those were mistakes and he really isn’t the cheating type at all.

I just can’t get over the person he was and how he is now. I feel like my trust issues with him are weighing on our relationship. He doesn’t have these issues with me but I just feel like I have to be with him when we go places. It’s not easy or either of us and I want to be able to just be at home without him while he goes out and not have to worry.

I’ve always told myself if he is going to cheat, he will cheat, there is nothing I can do about it. But I feel like I’m almost just afraid of even letting that happen and I’m losing the person I was. We make each other happy. We rarely argue except when it comes to me being insecure and not trusting him. He is a good guy, I just don’t know if I take his friendly self as being flirtatious too much or him just being him.

I just want to know what are the steps I need to take to begin building trust in our relationship

A: I’m very glad you wrote. As I think you already know, you are in danger of creating the very thing you fear. If you don’t stop questioning his every move, your boyfriend may well start to feel so suffocated he’ll have to get out. If you are always keeping tabs on him, you’ll never know if he is being loyal because he wants to be or because you are watching his every move.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend slept with his ex before he made a commitment to you. Having double-checked himself, he decided to choose you and has been loyal and faithful ever since.

If you love this man, you owe it to you both to make a gift of your trust. He is already doing everything possible to reassure you. Now it’s up to you to stop crowding him so much. You don’t want to spend your life always wondering if he’s truly with you. He can’t spend his life always feeling distrusted.

Have one more important conversation about how important it is for both of you to relax into trust and then let it go. The proof of the wisdom of your choice will only happen over time.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Oct 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I need to trust my boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 1, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/10/23/i-need-to-trust-my-boyfriend/