Psych Central

My parents hate me

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi, im 16 years old and when i was growing up my dad was never around, my mother kept on showing me pictures of him so i can remenber who he is, until i was 7 my dad knocked on the door, i opened it and he just passed right by me. Since then my dad has been living with me and my mom. I didnt notice anything, i was a happy little girl, then when i was 12 and i started my middle school, my grades were straight A’s so my parents were happy? i dont know, they never really showed any kind of emotion,

and then next year i started to get B’s and my dad got really mad, screamed at me and he decided to ground me, so i couldnt go out with my friends, i just went to school and then back home, that went on for two years, i didnt understand why i was different from my friends, why i couldnt go out, why was this punishment was so long, but my mom was loving it.

Later on, we moved. Things in the new house were diferent now, they did let me go out, but not that much, then i got a boyfriend, who i love, we’ve been together for two years now. But my dad never aproved, so now, i cant go to his house, i cant go anywhere if he doesnt drive me there,

hes never home, never, he doesnt even talk to me, i feel like i messed up his life, he doesnt care about my feelings, he tells me that all i want is to have sex with my boyfriend, that im a slut, that im going to get pregnant if i go to his house, that im so stupid, that my grades are not good,

and my mom just sits there watching how i cry, then she pretends to be nice with me, but its all fake, they dont love, never hug or kiss me, all they do is remind me how much of a mistake i am to them, and how i dont deserve anything in life. I spent my days in my house alone, but sometimes i scape to my boyfriend;s house, but they dont know, otherwhise im just here.

I’ve been about to suicide two times.. because i dont find any value in life, why are my parents so mean to me? why im not like my friends? why can i go out? why cant i have a single hug or kiss from my parents? they hate me, they never ever ever love me. I just want to get this over with.

A: Some kids just don’t get the parents they deserve. It’s sad but true. Your letter shows you to be a sensitive, intelligent kid who is doing her best. Instead of living down to the expectations of your folks, you continue to try to obey the rules, at least most of the time, and you try to figure out how to make things change. Every kid wants and needs to be loved. But sometimes life is just plain unfair!

Please understand that your parents’ behavior has very little to do with you. They sound like scared people who haven’t a clue how to raise a teenager. When your dad accuses you of being a slut, he is probably really saying that he is scared to death of your emerging sexuality. When your mother doesn’t defend you, it’s because she is scared of bringing the wrath of your dad onto herself. You are living with parents don’t have a clue how to effectively protect you and give you guidance. Controlling you as much as possible is all they can think of. I have to wonder if either of them had a loving parent either. My guess is not.

Your best bet is to start planning now for when you are 18 and ready to be on your own. Get your grades back up to where they should be. Start working either as a volunteer or at a paid job to get some experience in a field that you like. Talk to your guidance counselor about how to apply for scholarships to college or how to get into a training program to prepare you for a good job. If you do these things, you’ll have the resources to move out and to manage on your own after graduation from high school. At that time, you’ll be in a better position to negotiate the terms of your relationship with your parents. Sometimes young adults are surprised to find they can have a civil relationship once they are no longer dependent.

Meanwhile, you do need some adult friends and mentors to provide the kind of guidance and support your parents aren’t giving you. I hope you like your boyfriend’s mother and that you can talk with her. Befriend a teacher or guidance counselor. Be on the look out for other adults who may be able to give you the respect and appreciation you crave and deserve. Cultivate those relationships so you have people to turn to when you need advice.

Sadly, you are not the only teenager who has this problem. I’ve received hundreds of letters much like yours. It takes more than genetics to make people into good parents. Fortunately, there are many, many older people who are ready and willing to be adult friends if you are willing to look for them and open your heart to them.

If you ever feel suicidal again, please, please make a call to the Boys and Girls Town National Hotline (800-448-3000). Counselors are available 24/7 to help kids like you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 20 Oct 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). My parents hate me. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/10/20/my-parents-hate-me/