I can’t trust my boyfriend

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Around 4 months back my boyfriend confessed to me that he slept with a prostitute, while we were dating and also that he invited over a girl for a beer bash and sleep over at his place and that they kissed. This girl, id previously suspected liked my boyfriend and I even let him know of my reservations, but he still went behind my back and did this. And the even more hurtful part is that he did this while I was pregnant and awaiting an abortion.

He loves me, and I know that. He gives me time, he is possessive about me but I find it so hard to trust him. Every single moment since he confessed I find it so hard to breath. There are times when I can’t help but sit and cry over what he did. I’ve loved him and we’ve bin together for 2 years now. I’m 19 and 5 years younger than him, I’ve gone out of my way to do things he wanted or liked and I still do, coz I love him and cannot think of leaving him. Even though I’ve forgiven him I’m so insecure, every single small thing ticks me off and I’ve absolutely no idea how to deal with it. Its like, something is eating me up from the inside every day…

I really need advice on how to deal with things and not spend my time crying over his act and on how I can manage to not be so insecure and trust him.

A: Thank you for asking about this difficult situation. I can only imagine how complicated your feelings are.

But I am going to challenge what you said. You said you know he loves you, but then only describe that he gives you time and is possessive. These are not elements of love. Giving you time is a given in a relationship. He certainly didn’t give you time when you needed it going through an abortion. And being possessive isn’t about love at all; it is about treating you like a possession. I also did not read that he apologized to you, or for that matter attempt to make amends to you. What you told me is that he betrayed you a second time.

He isn’t going to win any boyfriend awards.

You are crying because you are grieving the illusion of who you thought he was. He isn’t that person, and it doesn’t read like he wants to be, at least not from what you have written. If this is all he has to offer I would let yourself begin the process of grieving. If you don’t already have a therapist I would recommend finding one. The find help tab at the top will help.

You don’t trust him, and there is good reason not to. The tears can allow you to begin releasing the pain of who you thought he was. But if he isn’t ready to be committed to you, and that is what you need and want, then it may be time to move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 2 Oct 2010

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2010). I can’t trust my boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 29, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/10/02/i-cant-trust-my-boyfriend/

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