Boyfriend doesn’t seem to care anymore

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Ok, I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He is the best thing that has happened to my daughters and me in a long time. When we first got together, we were very intimate, and close. Around 5 months of being together, I had a very bad family issue, and we picked up and moved to MD from MA. I made sure that he wanted to go, and that he knew he didn’t have to follow. When we moved, we started to be less intimate, at first, it was down to a couple times a week, and then slowly got longer and longer in-between. Right now, it has been 104 days. At first I would ask and nag about it, wondering if I did something wrong. I know I didn’t handle it the right way, and caused arguments. Now, I can’t even mention it or he gets very upset. I am so hurt, and confused, I don’t know what to do. I have a lot of resentment towards him now because I feel completely hurt, and worthless to him. And its not just sex either, he doesn’t kiss me, or touch me anymore, there is absolutely no lust or desire from him to me anymore. I have tried to stimulate him visually, I have tried not bothering him at all, I have read thousands of articles, and tried everything they said, all have failed. I feel I am in love with a good friend. I don’t know whether this is worth fighting for because I feel I am the only one that thinks there is a problem. My feelings about this don’t seem to matter to him. Please steer me in the right direction on how to handle this.

A: Thank you for writing us about this difficult situation. It sounds painful and upsetting. I will try to offer some thoughts.

More than three months of no intimacy or signs of affection is clearly a problem. This isn’t a transient issue or concern. There is a general rule in couples work: If one person has a problem — there is a problem. Your boyfriend’s lack of willingness to acknowledge it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. He is simply not dealing with the truth.

As painful as it is, it is time for a direct discussion with him about your feelings of disappointment, frustration and rejection. You may want to write down all of your thoughts first so you can be clear. You may even choose to either give it to him to read or read it to him.

There isn’t much here to fight for. I would set a timeline for change and ask him to go to couples counseling with you. (You can find some referrals from the find help tab above.)

Sometimes couples have to come to a crisis in their relationship in order to grow. If the relationship is going to survive it has to change. If it isn’t going to change it doesn’t sound like it has much of a future. My strong advice to you is to deal with it directly. I would do this sooner rather than later.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 20 Sep 2010

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2010). Boyfriend doesn’t seem to care anymore. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/09/20/boyfriend-doesn%e2%80%99t-seem-to-care-anymore/