I basically hate my life right now, because my entire life i have had huge issues trusting anyone at all, and more recently in the past years i have been burnt by any woman that i ever cared about or trusted, and just recently a girl that i cared about a great deal and who i considered one of my best friends, and who said she considered me her best friend as well, the only girl i have let close to me in years, and she played me for a couple weeks then hooked up with my friend right in front of me….now i just am completely lost and dont know what i can or should do, the only thing i can think to do now is just numb the pain through heavy drinking….i have tried talking to the very few friends that i am willing to talk to, however i am not very good at opening up to people either, even worse after how this girl treated me.
A. You may have problems understanding the dynamics of relationships. Early relationships (during the teenage years) tend to end. During this time, people are testing out new relationships and searching for a match but generally speaking, most relationships during this time period do not last.
Dating is a social contract in which two people agree that they will date and get to know each other but that contract does not include “a never break up” clause. Generally, people date each other to see how the relationship will go. In most cases the relationship will end and both people will move on to another relationship. The ultimate goal is to find the right life partner. This is the nature of relationships, especially during the teenage years when individuals are just beginning to learn who they are and what they want.
You are seeing breakups as a betrayal. With each breakup, you are acting as though you have been cheated. You are assuming that the girls you have dated have essentially made a promise of never breaking up with you. From your perspective, if a woman dates 10 men before she is married, she has betrayed nine of them. It is a mistake in judgment to believe that. When people are dating there is no promise that each partner will stay with one another. Dating does not imply permanent commitment. Breakups should not be unexpected or translate into mistrust in your mind. It’s a mistake to believe that being in a relationship equates to some guarantee that the relationship will continue forever.
Your reaction to breaking up is more common than you think. Some people do bond quickly and think that if they feel love, the relationship will be a lifelong commitment. This is an illusion. Both people make talk about how in love they are, how many children they will have, where they will move to when married, what they will name their future dog, how many children they will have, etc. A week later they receive a “we need to talk” message. Both people may have sincerely meant what they said, when they said it, but they no longer feel that way, not now. Until both parties are fairly mature, until both parties have enough life experience to know what they really want, until the relationship has stood the test of time, don’t ever feel that the relationship is a forever thing.
I would highly recommend counseling. It can help you to better understand the dynamics of relationships. It can also help you to understand why you may be misinterpreting breakups as betrayals and how to change your reaction to such events. Please click on the find help tab at the top of this page to search for a therapist in your community. Please take care. I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 15 Sep 2010
Randle, K. (2010). Got Hurt And Now Depressed. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 10, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/09/15/got-hurt-and-now-depressed/