I physically hurt my boyfriend

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i have a bf for almost 3 years now. when the relationship was starting i found out that he was still talking to his ex gf, of course i got jealous but i didn’t say anything or did anything but he knows i was hurt. then later on i found out that he was still saying love you’s to the girl. that’s when i started to yell at him. but after quite some time their communication is still there, i still read ‘mushy’ conversations they had. that’s when i start hurting him (physically) yelling him, i know its wrong, i always feel guilty after doing it but i can’t stop myself. every time i saw a text from other girls i easily get jealous, i feel like he was not sincere with me. anyway we never broke up, despite of it all, and he always told me that he never cheated on me. but there are lots of incidents that it seemed like he does. so please help me, give me some advice how to stop hurting him.

A: My question is why are you hurting yourself? You’ve known from early on that this guy isn’t serious about a committed relationship with you. You didn’t address it then so he concluded that he could play you. And play you is exactly what he’s doing. Now you two are in a power struggle about who gets to call the shots. You seem to think if you have a big enough tantrum, he’ll change. He already knows if he weathers the storm he gets to keep you and have his girlfriends on the side. You keep looking for and perhaps finding reasons why he can’t be trusted. And around and around it goes.

Please finally get it: He’s not going to change. The only person you can change is you. If you don’t like being with a guy you can’t trust, get out of this relationship and find someone who you can trust. Stop torturing yourself by being always on the alert for cheating and then becoming the angry person you don’t want to be. You don’t have to live this way. Love yourself enough to end this so you will be available to someone who will love you for real.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Sep 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I physically hurt my boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/09/08/i-physically-hurt-my-bf/