She doesn’t know how to get her man

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker


From a 14 year old girl: My BFFs are so good @getting the guy they like to fall4them& are so comforterable around boys, but i don’t know how . My friends are at ease when they like a guy, because most of the time they can get the guy they want. Or even just the hottest guy in school will fall for them! I on the other hand, I don’t know how to get a guy to fall for you, I don’t know how to flirt and not make it awkward. I never know what to say, it’s like my vocal cords close up and i don’t know what to say… and i don’t know how to just let loose and be me.. I like this guy.. friends say he likes me .. how do i get him??? help! :)
-love sick

A: Please stop scolding yourself. You are an absolutely normal 14-year-old who is trying to figure out the mysteries of relationships. Yes. Some of your friends, especially friends who are growing up with brothers, may be more at ease with boys. But if they were totally honest with you, they’d tell you that they aren’t quite sure what’s expected all the time either. Your teen years (and well into your 20s) are a time for figuring out who you are, what kind of person you want to be with, and how to make and nurture a loving relationship with someone special. Hurrying the process usually means that important steps get left out.

Making relationships isn’t about “getting” a boy. Boys are not a fish to catch or an exotic creature to trap. They just are other uncertain, awkward teens who are doing the best they can to look more sure of themselves than they feel. Instead of trying to “get” someone, how about just working on learning how to make friends with a person who happens to be a guy? Give the guy who is interested in you some chances to get to know you. Doing an activity like a school project or showing him some great music takes the pressure off and lets things evolve more naturally. Doing things like a co-ed sport or volunteering at something where both boys and girls hang out will give you the chance to get more comfortable with the opposite sex.

Take your time. It’s far more important to learn how to do a relationship right than to do it fast.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Sep 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). She doesn’t know how to get her man. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/09/01/she-doesnt-know-how-to-get-her-man/

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