Was This Rape?

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I went to my boyfriends apartment and when i got there it was dark inside (it usually is) and I went in and i was like ” ____ im here!” and he didn’t say anything but he came over to me and started hugging and kissing me which led to 100% consensual sex. Afterwards when “he” turned on the light it was not him but his roommate that lives there with him! I honestly did not know it was him… he thought it was so ‘funny’ but i just left very mad. My best friend tells me “omg how could you not know that it wasn’t your boyfriend, you had to know blah blah blah” but i seriously didn’t, it was in the moment… you’d have to be there to understand!! I mean i know that it is not actual rape because i didn’t say no.. but i am still finding it hard to get over, i KNOW my boyfriend will not believe the story, and i am having a hard time… advice please!?

A. Regarding your question about whether or not this incident would be considered rape, I cannot provide you with an answer. The reason is because it is a legal question. You may want to consult an attorney or speak to someone at your local police department.

As far as your friends and their not believing you, I think they are suggesting that if there was enough light to walk around the apartment and not stumble, then you should have been able to see your sexual partner. They may also believe that even if it were dark, each person has a particular smell, body shape, or other physical characteristics that should have alerted you to the possibility that the roommate was not your boyfriend. Your friends may have logic behind their reasoning but it does not mean they are correct in not believing you.

Your friends might find your story more believable if, during the time of the incident, you were in a mentally confused state or were high on drugs or alcohol. It may be a matter of explaining to them what happened during the incident in more detail but people can often remain friends, even if they disagree. Please take care. I wish you well.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Aug 2010

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2010). Was This Rape?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/08/23/was-this-rape-2/