I feel so alone

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend of 8 months just broke up with me . He broke up with me because he has been doubting us , and he said he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore . The day he broke up with me he wanted to give me all my stuff back . But I told him to hold on to it because it was raining . I cried . I couldn’t look at him . Later on that day we tied our bracelets together and threw them into a stream . He also told me he still wants to be a part of my life . He was my best friend . And now I don’t have anyone to talk to . Cause no one understood me like he did .

The day before yesterday he told me he thinks he made a big mistake . We talked . And he told me he once wished we could travel the world together , and he still wants me by his side if he does travel the world . The rest of the night we spent talking about music . then yesterday , i spent the whole day without him texting me or me texting him . I wanted to give him space . I finally talked to him around 10 at night . Later on in our conversation i began telling him how all i thought about was him . And how i wish I had gone to the city with him .

He began telling me doesn’t know what to do anymore . He told me a part of his heart still loves me . But a part of him is afraid to try again with us . Because he says it won’t be the same . And it won’t be better . My biggest fear is losing people , i hate it , i can’t stand it , i rather lose myself than lose someone . He told me he doesn’t know how to fix this puzzle , and he wishes he never broke it . I don’t know what to do anymore. My mom is mad at me because i got home late last night cause i was trying to get him of my mind . But it didn’t work at all . He is all i thought about . So now my mom is mad at me , and im slowly losing my ex-boyfriend/best friend . My other friends , I can’t talk to , i feel like they will judge me and just say “its okay i know how you feel .” No one knows how I feel , I just feel so alone . And I feel like giving up on everything .

A: You’re right. No one does quite know how you feel. Heartbreak is something that is as individual as we are. This is intense. But an important part of your story is that your ex is doing his level best to be honest with you. He didn’t cheat. He didn’t lie. He’s going through his own struggles to figure out what he wants in a relationship and whether he is ready to commit to one person. Meanwhile, your challenge is to figure out how much of your pain is about separating from this particular guy and how much of it is about your fear of losing someone. Real love isn’t about fear and dependency. It’s about caring and feeling that the two of you are right for each other.

I’m sorry you aren’t talking to your mother. It may be that she went through something like this when she was young too. If she did, she may have some wisdom to share and she might be more forgiving of some rule-breaking while you figure things out. As for your other friends: Are you sure they can’t be there for you? It’s probably true that they don’t know exactly how you feel. But some of them may have had experiences that are similar enough that they can sympathize, not judge. Your aloneness may be something of your own making. Give your friends and family a chance.

I do suggest that you take a break from this relationship even if your guy decides he’d like to try again. It simply isn’t fair to either of you to try to make a relationship if you are more focused on preventing loss than on learning who you and the guy really are. Use the break to reflect on why you can’t stand partings, even when they are necessary or make sense. Think about what you can do to get closure and move on when you find that your life is diverging from a friend or a lover in a way that really isn’t reparable. If you can’t find answers, it might be helpful to see a counselor for some help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Aug 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I feel so alone. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 29, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/08/08/i-feel-so-alone/