I hate my life
I’m 17, 6ft, 275 (more muscle then fat). Have played sports all of my high school life. Very popular in my school and many people call me their friend. Good strong relationship with my family. I have a big house 3 cars (not rich though) and am going to a private school. MY grades are B- avg. I’m biracial (white/Argentinean). My life seems perfect but I hate it.
Everyday I wear a mask of emotions so that no one knows how I really feel, only one man ever saw through it (my football coach/Art teacher) but I assured him that I was just tried (I don’t think he believed me but he never asked again) I hate all of my friends but one and know even she is leaving me. I have a strong sense of empathy to the point where I can literally feel the other person’s pain whether mental or physical, but at the same time I have a strong resistance to pain (I have broken bones before and it can take a week before I notice). My “friends” are ether bullies or ***holes and every time I try to make new ones they scare them away (I’m consider a “jock” at my school)
I see the world as a lost child and I want to help her but I cant. When I was young I had a dream that I would untie all the nations and their would be no wars, poor, starvation, pain. I held on to this dream for over 5 years, it was in the 2nd year when I became a Marxist (not communist theirs a difference) but no one sees the difference. All I ever wanted to do was to help people but imp seen as a monster for doing so. I have felt every pain a human can feel from the loss of a goldfish to the loss of your whole family. I see how “evil” my country is and every sin it has committed and how it doesn’t care about the weak. Since I’m not white I have seen how minorities are treated and how we are seen. But when I try to show others I’m called crazy or insulted by racial names. I think I’m asexual but to others I’m just gay and I feel even more pain from society by that. I have never known love and yet at the same time I know it more the most boys my age. I would give my life for any of my loves but they just see me as a fat loser and nothing more. I’m one of those guy who never thinks about himself before others, even the people I hate if they need help I would help then (and I have) I have one true, good friend. Her name is Katie and we hang out a lot. One time she accidentally got drunk and I had to take her to bed and make sure her parents didn’t find out, when she woke up sober she was really surprised that I did take advantage of her as almost everyone else would have (even my friends were mad that I didn’t when they heard about it) I don’t think I love her but she’s all I have left so I’m protective of her and would hurt anyone who hurt her. But lately we haven’t seen each other at all since her other friend came back from France. And now I have no more friends they all have ether betrayed me for left me. I’m starting to lose my compassion. I have lost my faith in God. I still know he exist since I have felt his presence and heard his words spoken to me (he is the reason why I wanted to unite the world) but I at first I thought he could help me but then I found out some “truths”, since I was “chosen” he molded my life so that I would have no choice but to help the world, I felt pain and loneliness for his purposes. I felt betrayed by God as well. I still have my dream of uniting all nations and before I would do it with no war or pain but now I dream of the day I can make nations beg for mercy at my feet. And I hate it, now I want to kill myself before I let that kind of pain and suffering go on. I’m starting to lose grip with this world and I have little joy in it with so much suffering going on in other places and the fact that I’m powerless to help them. I find happiness in sadness. I love listening to sad songs about how someone lost their love or how some gave their life for another. I find my life meaningless and empty. I have no friends, no love; my dreams are corrupted as my nation. And for my heritage and belief I’m hated. What can I do to get out of this slump and get rid of these evil thoughts of causing pain rather then stopping it, how can I be happy while others suffer?
A: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This quote is the challenge in front of you. You wrote us here because you believe in something that can inspire, offer direction, hope, or some wisdom. The real questions are: What do you want to believe in? What do you want to put your energy into? What will give you purpose?
You are a sensate person, someone who moves through life feeling other people’s pain. There are many of us who have empathy to the point of overload, but we must learn to channel this gift and make use of our talents. It seems the trait you trying to cultivate is compassion. Here is a recent article and some material you might find interesting.
The goal isn’t to be happy while others suffer, but rather how to have compassion for those you can’t help while taking care of yourself and those you can. If you were put on the earth to heal others by sensing their pain you will have to take care, very good care, of yourself so you will have the energy to assist others.
You are smack in the middle of your first identity crisis and are on the cusp of transition. Toward what goal is yet to be determined. I recommend talking about some of these feelijngs with the guidance counselor at school, or in private therapy. The ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page can help locate a therapist in your area.
It is clear from you letter that you have many skills, but they are undeveloped. Pick a couple of your favorite or most outstanding traits and develop them. The world needs heroes and healers. You may want to read a bit on what psychologist Phil Zimbardo has written on the psychology of good and evil, particularly his work on becoming a hero in waiting. Somehow, I think you would be an excellent candidate.
And as far as wanting to unite nations, Mother Teresa has a suggestion:
“Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.”
Wishing you patience and peace,
Tomasulo, D. (2010). I hate my life. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 21, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/08/07/i-hate-my-life/