She’s lonely and wants a relationship

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I want to immediately apologize for mistakes, I hope it will not affect to understand the text .There will be many letters…
I am 20 years old Russian, and I have never had a relationship with men. Anything at all, I have not even kissed once.
I’m a pretty girl (as claimed by friends and relatives), clever,interesting person.I just do not understand what is wrong with me.Why I have no one?

My parents are strict, and under 18 did not let me go anywhere-I mean club, etc. (and even now is also against this). They believe that first I should get an education, and only then start thinking about the boys, believed that guy must be one for the whole life. I think views about sex before marriage is not worth writing about? :) I’m such a position categorically do not endorse.

As for me, I’m a very reserved, hard to find similar people (only 3 friends), do not trust anybody.I`m hard to open to people.It’s difficult for me to show emotions and feelings? i keep all in myself and don`t share these with anybody.People say that I look arrogant, surly, that it`s terribly come to me. But I just walk down the street, always quickly, not looking particularly at the sides, always with CD. I think it’s all looking at me and evaluate me.Parents can not pull out of me no word.They say that they know nothing about me, but I can not even tell, there is nothing happen in my life. Every day just universityy-house. I rarely go somewhere .

Over a lifetime I can remember a few moments when I was liked someone .. even as I have such a law-a guy like me very much, he wants to be with me, but I do not like him completely,his activity repell me. No one meets with me elsewhere. All guys with whom I went on dates (usually 1) have been from the date site. With latest boyfriend (if it can be called, we had 2 date, chatted about 2-3 week) we met this way, it was a year with little ago.He was in love with me, actively pursued me, but I could not answer his feelings, because I feel nothing for him.He broke down and tore relation.I sometimes even miss him and think that it would be if I had agreed to be together.He was a good, interesting, caring and was willing to do anything to me.But I did not want to meet with those to whom no sympathy: (

Actually since may 2009 I have not had any relationship, no date, no nice sms from a guy absolutely nothing.Only female communication.

I also want to add that I am very ashamed of his inexperience, that I never kissed that I`m virgin.I never said that anyone and I’m afraid that somebody accidentally know this.I`m ashamed of it…

But I want relationship with a man! I want to feel desired, loved, spend time together, celebrating holiday.I want love .. probably it does not happen all that now.I want to start at least dating-SMS-flower-courtship-flirting.
I do not know what to change in myself to men started to pay attention to me, was invited to a date, etc. I feel so lonely and sad-it`s horribly.What is wrong with me? : (

A: Thank you for writing. It takes courage to face problems and to ask for help. Good for you.

First, I want you to know that you are not alone. You may think that 20 is old to have these problems. But it is not. Many people do not find love in their teens. You are just now becoming your mature self. You are asking the important questions that everyone asks at some point in their youth. You are considering whether you might have different values than your parents. You are thinking about why it is that you are not getting what you want from life. You are not blaming others. Instead, you are examining yourself. This is all very, very good thinking.

You probably wonder, “What good is the thinking if I am still lonely?” The answer is that thinking can lead to change. Your letter shows that you already know you need to work on being more friendly and active. You know you won’t find what you are looking for by limiting yourself to your classes and your home. You need to go places and do things in order to be an interesting person and to meet people who share your interests. Join an organization or club. Do some volunteer work. Get involved with people who share your talents. Invite someone from one of your classes to go for coffee to talk over what was presented in class. Instead of walking down the street with your head down and your mind in your music, try acting as if you are the confident, friendly person you want to be.

Please, please wait on finding a boyfriend until you know how to be a friend. Attraction and eagerness alone don’t make a good foundation for intimacy. A relationship that grows out of a genuine friendship is more likely to last. Instead of trolling the date sites, get to know some guys through activities. Doing things together will help you get comfortable with men and will help you figure out just what type of guy you want to be with.

I know everything I’ve suggested seems hard for you. I’m sure I haven’t said anything that you haven’t already thought about yourself. But you took an important first step in writing your letter. I have a guess that you are getting ready to make change. As hard as change may be, it is not as hard as being alone and lonesome. Gather up your courage and put yourself out in the world just a little bit. Then do a little more and a little more. You have the desire. Now I hope you can take the steps.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Jul 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). She’s lonely and wants a relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 1, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/07/27/shes-lonely-and-wants-a-relationship/