Boyfriend won’t talk about a future

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend since i was 14 and he was 16 it’ll be 6 years. in Nov.2010.In 2007, i had cheated on him and i told him about it. i felt he was never paying attention to me he was always with his friends literally everyday whether they came over or they went to go play basketball or something, I tried talking to him and he ignored m. i didn’t want to leave him because we had a 1 and a half year old daughter at the time who is now 4 yrs old. He forgave me and we had come along way but now i feel we are back to where we started if not worse. i feel he doesn’t want to be with me anymore but also doesn’t want to leave me.

For the past 4 years we have gotten into so many arguments about him not being romantic or showing me he loves me. I’ve only gotten flowers from him once for valentines day. ONCE. He barley says i love you unless i say it first and he says it back but it’s like it has no meaning to him. I tell him everyday that i love him but I’m starting to get to a point where i want to give up but i feel guilty. even though He has not been perfect he has done plenty of things that he shouldn’t have.

we don’t communicate at all. i feel like im his roommate who he has sex with occasionally about once every two weeks or so maybe more if i initiate it. he leave for work in the morning. i go to school. we come home eat take a shower and watch cartoons with our daughter and then go to sleep. He is always bringing up things about him having to support all 3 of us and how his co-workers wives do a lot with their lives and how i should be more productive. I feel i am doing all that i can but i am never enough for him.

also he doesn’t like talking about having more kids or getting married at all. he even gets mad sometimes when i would bring it up. it has gotten to the point where he has forced me not to want to get married or have anymore children with him because i feel like it’s a bad thing to want. I have tried talking to him about it and it always ends up being my fault because “i don’t do enough for this relationship”. don’t get me wrong he is a good man and a wonderful father i just don’t know what to do i need help I’m running out of options.

A: I think you and your partner are in two different relationships: You think you are in a love match that could be forever if he’d only see what he has. He thinks he is trapped in a relationship that he isn’t ready for and isn’t sure he wants. I give you both lots of credit for trying to make a go of this for the sake of your little girl. But from what you wrote, it seems that she is the only thing holding you two together.

Sadly, one person can’t make a marriage. It’s like you are trying to shake hands with a man who keeps both hands behind his back. No matter how much you want it; no matter how much you try; unless he extends his hand too, you can’t shake on anything.

It may be there is hope for this relationship but only if you both can get out of the argument and see if you can rekindle the love for each other. If not, the two of you need to talk about how to both be good parents for your daughter even if you can’t be good partners for each other. I hope the love you both have for your child will help motivate you to get to a counselor who can help you finally confront your differences and solve some of the problems. You all deserve better than this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 26 Jul 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). Boyfriend won’t talk about a future. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/07/26/boyfriend-wont-talk-about-a-future/