Never Had Sex or a Relationship

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a 48 year old male. Due to my nomadic upbringing (7 schools in 12 years) and being extremely introverted, I did not stay in one place long enough to make many friends. I’ve never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never been in a relationship, and obviously never had sex. I recieved some negative messages about sex when I was young and have always had difficulty understanding how most people can view sex as something “fun and enjoyable”. Thankfully, I started seeing a therapist 2 years ago and have been making tremendous progress. I am almost ready to try online dating as a means of finding a partner. Knowing that sex would be part of a relationship, my question is this: Won’t most women reject me as soon as they learn that at age 48, I have no sexual experience whatsoever? I think I’m kind of hoping this is something a potential partner would be willing to “work with me” on. Is this too weird for most women?

A. Every woman is different. Each will have their own specific views about sex. Generally speaking, I do not believe that most women would have a problem with your sexual history. Women typically do not look for men who have had sexual experience. Nor do men typically look for women with sexual experience. Previous sexual experience is not considered by most people to be a prerequisite for a relationship. It is possible that your lack of sexual experience would even be considered advantageous to some women. For instance, it eliminates the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

Also, I believe you are assuming that because you have not had sex it will be a problem. You seem to be predicting the worst possible outcome. You may not have any problems in your future sexual relations. It is important to have a balanced view of your situation.

Sex is a part of relationships but it’s not everything. There are many more important elements to a relationship. If sex is a problem then this is a problem that can be fixed. Relationship problems can be examined and corrected. You can discuss sex early in the relationship. If you meet a woman who is bothered by your inexperience, it may be a sign that you should move on to a new partner.

I want to commend you on your progress in counseling. It sounds as if you have made significant gains in the past two years. I wish you continued success. Please take care. Thanks for your question.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Jul 2010

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2010). Never Had Sex or a Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/07/16/never-had-sex-or-a-relationship/