I feel like I hate his parents

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi Im married 9 months back. its love marriage. i know my husband family from my childhood. But after marriage, they changed a lot. his mother expected dowri(money and gold) from our family. My father gave them though i am earning. In marriage so many fights between them. Which hurted me most. And, they are fully money minded. My husband has gone to UK for 1 year. First 3 months we were apart. I was staying alone in INDIA. After 3 months my husband asked me to resign and come to UK. For that my in-laws had issue, they told me to not to resign my job, and stay apart for 10 months. They coudn’t think we are recently married. for money they want us to live separately for 10 months. But now i came to UK to my husband. But i remember every day almost these things happend with my in laws and discuss with my husband and cry, which irritates my husband. At that moment, i have no control on my words, i scold his parents. I really want to change my behaviour. Basically i feel like i hate his parents, which i dont want..

A: It must have hurt you very much to be young and in love and newly married and to not be able to be with your husband. But it’s good that you want to change your behavior. At this point, your in-laws are not endangering your marriage. You are. You are asking your husband to take your side in an argument that you have already won. Being a good man, your husband can’t join with you in blaming his parents. He wants peace between you.

Your parents and his are from another generation. His mother may have expected a dowry but your father gave it to her. She didn’t have to ask. He didn’t have to give. It’s not your problem. It’s theirs.

Let me remind you: You did resign. You did go to the UK to be with your husband. You don’t have to talk with your in-laws very often. You won. By going over and over and over how hurt you are, you are poisoning what could be a wonderful time as a newlywed. You do have control of your words and your behavior. Every time you start to think about your anger, ask yourself: Do you want to lose the man you love because you can’t forgive his parents?

Whatever their other faults, your in-laws did raise your wonderful husband. They must have done something very right. Perhaps if you focus on that, you can begin to let go of the past.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Jul 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I feel like I hate his parents. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/07/14/i-feel-like-i-hate-his-parents/