She keeps marrying Mr. Wrong

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 48, and feel I may be going thru the change (had hyst 8 yrs ago) my husband says I have mood swings, I say I am unhappy with him and the marriage. We’ve only been married 2+ yrs and I honestly can’t even remember the last time we had sex. In the last year my husband has gained alot of weight, probably 30-40lbs so he has very little energy to do anything except play games on his computer or ipad. I think I gave up along time ago on the intimancy because he always had reference to me giving him oral in order to have sex with him, and no, he does not reciprocate (in the 5.5 yrs he has once)this reference is a big turn off and I know he makes the comments to annoy me.
At this point I feel we are both in this marriage for convience, more on his part since he is unemployed and I am the one working long hours. We have no kids together, nothing in paper, house, cars, ect..I’m wondering if I should just cut my losses now since it would be easier than if we had anything together…
He seems to have no drive to make this marriage work. Because he is so overweight, he snores loudly and it’s not unusual for me to end up on the couch. Since this is my 3rd marriage I am wondering, am I staying in this for the right reasons, like maybe he will change or is it because I don’t want people to say I failed again…we did go to couples counseling but that lasted 2 sessions…he felt we didn’t have issues we couldn’t handle.
At this point I am starting to resent him, and hate him! Is this my horomones going wacko or is it a dead marriage and I need to just file for divorce? I really don’t know what to do! I know most of it is lack of intimancy, there is no connection there…I told him this 2 yrs ago when we went to counseling but he blew it off as usual…am I right in thinking it’s time to let go? I’m not afraid to be alone…I’m sure I am more lonely now than I was when I was single!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

A: However painful this marriage is, I’m guessing it’s even more painful to let go. Otherwise you would have done it two years ago when your husband didn’t continue counseling and things didn’t get better either. You certainly believe in marriage. You’ve tried it 3 times now. But there is something amiss in the choices you make in the men you try to be married to. I don’t think your unhappiness is about hormones. I think you are disappointed, angry, sad and reluctant to sit with the idea that you again attached yourself to a man who can’t give you what you want and deserve.

If you liked the counselor you were seeing, I suggest you go back regardless of whether your husband will join you. I think it would be a relief for you to have someone to talk to about your disappointments and about why you keep falling for Mr. Wrong. You may well have 30 more years ahead of you. That’s plenty of time to learn and then find Mr. Right.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 Jun 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). She keeps marrying Mr. Wrong. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/06/22/she-keeps-marrying-mr-wrong/